I can't believe it's been this long since I wrote in my blog!

What the heck?  Where have I been?  The 'crap' has come back in heaps the last few months.  Over 3 years ago, I stopped talking to and seeing my parents.  It came about at a family gathering in South Fork.  To make a long story short, I was at the house that was rented and my parents came by and my Mom went off asking where my sister was and my Dad went off on why are there cyclists on the road (Wolf Creek Pass).  It was the straw for me.  I packed up my stuff, stopped by their trailer on the way out of town and told them they need to take responsibility for their crap.  Of course, my mom's response was 'well it's not my problem.'  AFTER she had dumped her problem all over me!  That's been her way forEVER!  I wondered periodically throughout those 3 years if I would regret not talking to them if they passed away.  When I asked myself that question, the answer was always 'no.'  Last October (2015) my dad had a heart attack, was airlifted to Denver and died the next day.  It took me probably 20 hours to make myself go to the hospital (which is about 3 miles from my house).  I didn't want to see my brother or mother, which I knew would be there.  When I walked off of the elevator into the lobby, there they were.  Looked at me like I was the most ungrateful person.  I went to my Dad's room and sat with him and then after awhile asked the nurse if I could have time alone with him.  She closed the curtain and I let him have it.  I don't know if he heard me or comprehended what I was saying, but I had to let him know how much his silence hurt me.  That he didn't stick up for me or ever talk to me about what his son had done to me. It's unfathomable to me how a parent can be so self-centered.   At my dad's 'funeral' my relatives whom I had written and told about the incest a couple years prior (because I was speaking at a conference) were supportive, gave me hugs, etc.  Not long after that, my mom sent me a text asking me if I didn't think I should send Ed the letter that all of the relatives got?  I thought about it for a day or so and replied that no, I wasn't going to do that.  He had never acknowledged that it had happened, nor had he apologized.  Once again, my mom was feeling 'sorry' for Ed.....giving no thought to me.  Her typical MO.  At some point in the last year or so, I asked her to stop including me on text messages with my brother.  Then about 3 weeks ago, I got an email from her on a Sunday and she also included my brother and my sister on the email.  I guess emails are different from text messages, right?  Anyway, she had decided that since she was living alone on the farm and was turning 80 in November, that maybe she should check in with us daily to let us know she was ok.  Her plan was to send a 'thumbs up' text EVERY single morning!  OMG!  I replied to her email early Monday morning and told her, no, I didn't want to be on the text messages and that I also do not want to be on emails or text messages that include my brother.  Of course, she took my response to say that I didn't care if she lived or died (which may be true, actually).  She did sent a group text on Monday before she saw my email.  Then she sent another text saying 'sorry, it won't happen again.'  I called her a few days later because I was upset that, once again, she disrespected the boundaries that I had set with her (no group text messages with my brother).  I told her  that I had asked her not to include me on group text messages and asked her why she did it.  I also asked her why she had included me on a group email?  Were emails and text messages that much different?  I told her that I didn't understand how she could be around him or how she could be around Heath - my brother's daughter's convicted sex offender husband!  I guess Heath is in a Christian singing group (oh, the irony) and she went to hear him.  I tried to be calm and controlled when speaking with her, however, I know I raised my voice.  At one point, I told her I needed to get back to work and asked her if she wanted to say anything and in her typical whiny, victim voice she said 'What can I do?"  Now, she has asked me this multiple times over the years when I bring things up and I have told her a few times to go get therapy.  She says she has, but she went once (?) to a pastor who told her I needed to forgive!  Gotta love it when it's the person who was wronged who is supposed to forgive and forget!  I told her again to go get therapy and to go to a licensed psychotherapist.  She said she didn't know what she would talk about and I told her maybe she could start with why she has treated me so poorly, not protected me or supported me my whole life?  She won't do it.  She also brought up again that maybe I should send the letter to my brother ?  I told her we had talked about this and that I didn't owe him anything and I wasn't going to do it.  I told her she could if she wanted.  She wants him to know, however, she wants me to tell him, so she'll feel better!  wow.  She feels sorry for him because the relatives are treating him differently.  Maybe that's true.....I don't care.  The night after I sent her the email telling her I didn't want to be included on the 'thumbs up' text messages and that I didn't want to be included on group text messages with Ed, I had a dream that I was in a straight jacket and of course, couldn't move.  My hands were tied literally in my dream.  I woke-up and couldn't move.  It was a very stressful dream and I was off kilter that whole day.  It was if the earth had moved on it's axis.  That isn't the 1st time I've had dreams that were stressful.

 
I posted the following on overcomingsexualabuse.com website today:

I stopped going to family holidays a long time ago. At the age of 28, I told my mom that my brother had incested me when we were growing up. I wanted to be sure I had her support as I wanted to confront my brother. I was tired of being the only person that knew. She told me she believed me and to ‘let him have it.’ So a few months later I asked him to meet me at my parent’s house. I had it all written out and read it to him. I knew that he more than likely would deny it, which he did. What I wasn’t prepared for was my mother’s response, which was ‘I believe you both.’ I was flabbergasted, angry and told her there’s no way she could believe us both as we were saying opposite things. Now, the reason I had told her ahead of time to be sure she would support me was because growing up she hadn’t protected me from a terrorizing uncle, she wasn’t affectionate or loving. I didn’t hear the words ‘I love you’ until I left for college! Since that day (when I confronted my brother), I have not had much contact with my family. That day was the worst day and the best day of my life. The best day because the ‘secret’ was out and the worst because it solidified the fact that my mother is incapable of protecting and supporting me. For many years now, I don’t attend holidays with family. I can’t ‘pretend’ to want to be ‘happy’ to be with them when I’m not. I will not sacrifice myself for them like I did for decades. My Dad never did say anything to me about it and he passed away last October. I didn’t cry when he died and didn’t see him or talk to him for 3 years b/4 he died. No regrets. My mom is a piece of work. I have repeatedly asked her to get therapy and she won’t. She goes hiking with my brother and interestingly enough, my brother’s daughter married a convicted sex offender! My mom has no problem being around him. Speaks VOLUMES, doesn’t it? I was raised in a conservative Christian home, which is part of the reason the incest even happened. There’s ‘grooming’ that takes place and the home environment created by my parents (especially my mother) was perfect for this to happen. She doesn’t see that. About 3 years ago, I spoke at a conference on this topic and I had wanted to tell the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins), so I figured the conference was a good excuse as they may hear that I spoke somehow. So I sent a letter to everyone telling them what happened. I received all kinds of support via letters, phone calls, etc. Not long after my Dad passed away, my mom asked me via text if I didn’t think I should send the letter to my brother? I thought about that for a day or so and then I said I don’t owe him anything. He has never admitted that he did this to me, nor has he apologized. Once again, she feels sorry for him, because she thinks the relatives are treating him differently. Who the fuck cares? Why should I care if they are treating him differently? Once again, she is looking out for him. Amazing. She tells me she loves me, however, her actions say otherwise. I don’t have a whole lot of contact with her and I think I could walk away completely and have no regrets….just like I did with my Dad.

 

From Donna (unknown person):

No one can wake another up to the truth. Its difficult to see and experience. Why do mother’s protect or appear to protect one child over another? I can only think that some how its their own blindness. However, we are not responsible for another, just ourselves. We can break the chain. That’s the gift and its huge.