Post #10 - October 26, 2016
A lot of people say a person has to forgive to move on from trauma or that you can't be truly happy or free unless you forgive. I struggle a lot with forgiveness. What exactly does that look like? What do my actions look like if I say I've forgiven? My mom and her 2nd cousin (both Christians) have told me I have to forgive. Of course, to them, if you don't forgive you're going to hell. What if I don't believe in heaven and hell? Even if I did, does God REALLY send me to hell because I can't / won't / don't forgive people who continue to disrespect me? Does forgiveness mean I should not only be around my brother and my mother, but also that I should WANT to be around them? Does forgiveness mean I have to pretend all is ok? I tried that route for years.....decided it wasn't worth the angst it caused me (I don't do well pretending or being 'nice'....I'd rather be authentic). Someone mentioned that the Dalai Lama has forgiven the Chinese. I said yes, but he's not with them physically either....he fled Tibet to save his life. I realize he's much more enlightened than I'll ever be, so he could probably be in a Chinese prison and still forgive them. How does forgiveness look for me tho? Can't I 'flee' my family for emotional safety? How does a person forgive someone that doesn't acknowledge that they even did anything, let alone apologize? What about my mother who continues to disrespect the boundaries I verbalize to her? Holidays are the absolute worst time of year for me. I have hated the holidays for many, many years. I used to get quite depressed during the holidays. That has lessened the last couple of years. The holidays are a time when a person is 'supposed' to be excited to be around family. ugh....for me it's extremely stressful. I haven't done family gatherings for holidays in years. I just got a call last evening from my aunt who is having Thanksgiving at her house (they live in C. Spgs). She invited me. I've been invited over the years to different relatives' houses, however, I usually either go out of town or go to friends' houses. Any place where I don't have to 'pretend' is best for me. I don't know if my mother will be at my aunt's house. I imagine she will be. I haven't talked to her since early August. She got mad at me because I told her I didn't want daily text messages and because I told her that I didn't want to be included on group text messages & emails with my brother. I had told her that in the past, however, she somehow 'forgot' that. When we hung up that day, she asked me if she could still call me. I told her yes, but she hasn't. That is usually how she handles things....silence, rather than having a difficult conversation. Her birthday is coming up on Nov 2nd. Not sure if I'll call her or not. I may just let the day go by. She wants me to 'forgive' so that she, then, doesn't have to deal with anything anymore. For her, I think me forgiving means I won't bring it up, I won't have feelings about it, I won't make comments, I won't set boundaries, make waves, speak publicly, etc, etc, etc. She would just love it if I would just pretend and be 'nice'....it would make her life so much easier and she wouldn't have to deal with any emotions. Forgiveness is a process, in my opinion. At this point, I doubt if I will ever 'want' to be around my brother or my mother very much.
October 26, 2016
October 21, 2016
Post #9 - Bruno
Post #9 - October 21, 2016
At the age of 31, I married Bruno. He was from South Africa (SA). I mentioned him in an earlier post. He was charming, handsome and a pathological liar (but I didn't find that out until after the vows). When I met him, he was a Mormon. He had served as a Mormon missionary with the brother of a lady that I worked with at the trucking company, hence how we met. I shared a little bit about him in an earlier post. He was a runner, cyclist and a swimmer. Very lean, dark hair and had a great smile. He came to CO to visit, little did I know he really wanted to stay and would do anything to make that happen. I had dated quite a lot and I thought I was pretty good at reading people. This guy conned everyone tho. My family, friends, etc. After we got married, we lived in my apartment and he was working for a landscaper based in Parker. He, supposedly, had been a landscaper in SA, but who really knows. He also told me he had been in the SA military and had gotten shot in the shoulder (scar proved that, he said). No way for me to verify that either. I was working for a software company and I usually got home from work before he did. This was the dark ages of answering machines and often I'd come home and there'd be a message from someone wanting to know why he hadn't showed up at their house that day to do yard work / landscaping? I was confused by this, as he was working full-time for this other guy, so why was he contacting people on the side, making appointments with them during the week, when he was only available on weekends? I began to trust him less and less due to him telling his personal clients that he would be at their house during the week. After only a few short months, I wasn't trusting him at all. He had gone to FirstBank to try to get a loan for a vehicle. The bank wanted me to co-sign on the loan (I had banked with them for quite some time - still do), which I didn't (thank god). They did give him a loan and he bought a pickup. My sister had moved to Maui and I wanted to go visit, so my mom and I planned a trip out there in November (Bruno and I had gotten married in March the year before). Bruno wanted to go really badly, however, he wasn't pulling his weight with paying bills or an income, so I told him he could pay his own way (which is what I was doing). He didn't go. I can't remember all of the details, but the marriage was on it's way out. I was really stressed on the trip to Maui due to my marriage and when I got back, found out that Bruno had racked up HUGE phone bills calling family, etc in SA. (bills that were over $500, which I ended up paying to keep my phone connected and my credit good). I was at work one day and called the house to check voice messages and a woman had left a message for Bruno saying she had had a good time the night before and to call her. I was immediately sick to my stomach. I went home and when Bruno got home I asked him about it. I looked him straight in the eye and he denied it without flinching. I told him we were done. I called the woman back and told her Bruno was married and she said he hadn't said anything and that she didn't know. He must've taken his ring off as well. I was so livid that I was afraid I would kill him, so I went to a motel for the night, because he wouldn't leave and I wasn't about to sleep in the same house as him. The next morning I drove back to the apartment and Bruno was loading all kinds of stuff into his truck (MY STUFF!!). I immediately called the police and they came and he had to unload all of it. He left and I haven't seen him since. Over the course of the next 5-6 years, I received phone calls from numerous women he was dating (he was now in UT...back to his Mormon ways). One wanted to know if he had a VW car when he was here in CO. I said no. Others wanted to know why I had kept his name....did he owe me money? It was hilarious. All of these women were wanting to verify what he had told them because his stories weren't stacking up. I told all of them to just walk away from him...that he was a pathological liar. All of them did, but one. She married him, even after talking to me. I think they are still married and I believe they had a child. Just recently (a few months ago), Wells Fargo in UT called me and wanted to know if I had contact information for him. I was NOT happy. I told them I had been divorced from him for 20 years....why were they calling me? I asked them why they didn't just drive down the street to his house to collect money that he owed them! I had to laugh.....he's still up to his same shenanigans. Oh.....and not long after he moved to UT, I was at my bank and I saw his truck parked in their lot. I immediately called the banker and asked him if Bruno was in town? He said no, we went to UT to repossess the truck! ha In my opinion, honesty and integrity are the best policies....a lot less hassle.
At the age of 31, I married Bruno. He was from South Africa (SA). I mentioned him in an earlier post. He was charming, handsome and a pathological liar (but I didn't find that out until after the vows). When I met him, he was a Mormon. He had served as a Mormon missionary with the brother of a lady that I worked with at the trucking company, hence how we met. I shared a little bit about him in an earlier post. He was a runner, cyclist and a swimmer. Very lean, dark hair and had a great smile. He came to CO to visit, little did I know he really wanted to stay and would do anything to make that happen. I had dated quite a lot and I thought I was pretty good at reading people. This guy conned everyone tho. My family, friends, etc. After we got married, we lived in my apartment and he was working for a landscaper based in Parker. He, supposedly, had been a landscaper in SA, but who really knows. He also told me he had been in the SA military and had gotten shot in the shoulder (scar proved that, he said). No way for me to verify that either. I was working for a software company and I usually got home from work before he did. This was the dark ages of answering machines and often I'd come home and there'd be a message from someone wanting to know why he hadn't showed up at their house that day to do yard work / landscaping? I was confused by this, as he was working full-time for this other guy, so why was he contacting people on the side, making appointments with them during the week, when he was only available on weekends? I began to trust him less and less due to him telling his personal clients that he would be at their house during the week. After only a few short months, I wasn't trusting him at all. He had gone to FirstBank to try to get a loan for a vehicle. The bank wanted me to co-sign on the loan (I had banked with them for quite some time - still do), which I didn't (thank god). They did give him a loan and he bought a pickup. My sister had moved to Maui and I wanted to go visit, so my mom and I planned a trip out there in November (Bruno and I had gotten married in March the year before). Bruno wanted to go really badly, however, he wasn't pulling his weight with paying bills or an income, so I told him he could pay his own way (which is what I was doing). He didn't go. I can't remember all of the details, but the marriage was on it's way out. I was really stressed on the trip to Maui due to my marriage and when I got back, found out that Bruno had racked up HUGE phone bills calling family, etc in SA. (bills that were over $500, which I ended up paying to keep my phone connected and my credit good). I was at work one day and called the house to check voice messages and a woman had left a message for Bruno saying she had had a good time the night before and to call her. I was immediately sick to my stomach. I went home and when Bruno got home I asked him about it. I looked him straight in the eye and he denied it without flinching. I told him we were done. I called the woman back and told her Bruno was married and she said he hadn't said anything and that she didn't know. He must've taken his ring off as well. I was so livid that I was afraid I would kill him, so I went to a motel for the night, because he wouldn't leave and I wasn't about to sleep in the same house as him. The next morning I drove back to the apartment and Bruno was loading all kinds of stuff into his truck (MY STUFF!!). I immediately called the police and they came and he had to unload all of it. He left and I haven't seen him since. Over the course of the next 5-6 years, I received phone calls from numerous women he was dating (he was now in UT...back to his Mormon ways). One wanted to know if he had a VW car when he was here in CO. I said no. Others wanted to know why I had kept his name....did he owe me money? It was hilarious. All of these women were wanting to verify what he had told them because his stories weren't stacking up. I told all of them to just walk away from him...that he was a pathological liar. All of them did, but one. She married him, even after talking to me. I think they are still married and I believe they had a child. Just recently (a few months ago), Wells Fargo in UT called me and wanted to know if I had contact information for him. I was NOT happy. I told them I had been divorced from him for 20 years....why were they calling me? I asked them why they didn't just drive down the street to his house to collect money that he owed them! I had to laugh.....he's still up to his same shenanigans. Oh.....and not long after he moved to UT, I was at my bank and I saw his truck parked in their lot. I immediately called the banker and asked him if Bruno was in town? He said no, we went to UT to repossess the truck! ha In my opinion, honesty and integrity are the best policies....a lot less hassle.
October 20, 2016
Post #8 - Ralph
Post #8 - Thursday, October 20, 2016 - Warning - may be TMI.
I mentioned Ralph in an earlier post. I met him when I moved to Denver after I graduated from college. I was still very much a born-again Christian and the college I went to was Mennonite Brethren (MB), so I started going to an MB church here in Denver. Some of the people who went to that church also went to the college I attended (Tabor College - Hillsboro, KS). Ralph was 4 years older than I....same age difference as my brother and I (coincidence? probably not). His mom was really strange and his sister (she was a bit younger than him) was probably schizophrenic....she definitely had some sort of mental disorder. Ralph's dad was deceased. I don't remember why or for how long. As stated in my earlier post, I weighed around 165 lbs, so my self-esteem was really low and I honestly couldn't understand why Ralph was even interested in me. He was good looking, athletic and an engineer. I was still very active....running, biking, etc. But yipes...I was fat! :( I don't remember how long we dated....it was quite awhile....like a year or two maybe? Not sure. During that time, I was certain he was really more interested in another person. Every time I saw him talking to her I got extremely jealous. I still have issues with jealousy. I'm not sure where that comes from, but I do know it's very difficult to get rid of. I don't like to admit it, but that's the truth....I have issues with jealousy. Ralph was a 'Christian' as well, so sex was off limits. I didn't want it anyway...was waiting until I got married, like a good little girl. Ralph, however, had no qualms using me for his own pleasure. He would rub himself against me until he had an orgasm and ejaculate all over me. I, then, had to clean myself up. WTF? Because of my brother and the boundaries he crossed (and the way I was raised in general), I have had difficulty knowing what appropriate boundaries are and I also find that when I express that a boundary has been crossed or that I'm uncomfortable with things, the guy I'm with tends to belittle what I say and/or get upset that I have put a halt to things. Eventually, I broke-up with Ralph. What a relief that was. I know I was in therapy for awhile before that happened. What a huge step for my self-esteem. Since then, I have tried to breakup with guys long before it gets to the point of being so uncomfortable for me (like it was with Ralph). Six months, after I broke-up with Ralph he was engaged to be married. I never met his wife, but dang, I feel sorry for her. Nothing like being a good Christian wife, where the man is the head of the house. I would have to be emotionally dead to survive that sort of existence, which is probably why I put up with it for so long. Emotional intelligence is very important and people who don't have it aren't in my life for too long now.
P.S. I emailed Mr. MC, told him I had googled him and asked him if he was 61. I said I was curious since his craigslist ad mentioned he was 59? He said yes, he turned 61 on Sept. 30th. He said he had lied by 1 year. He had posted the ad on Sept 29th, so technically he was right, but really? Splitting hairs, I would say, but then again, a lie is a lie if it's 1 year or 1 year 364 days. He's gone.
I mentioned Ralph in an earlier post. I met him when I moved to Denver after I graduated from college. I was still very much a born-again Christian and the college I went to was Mennonite Brethren (MB), so I started going to an MB church here in Denver. Some of the people who went to that church also went to the college I attended (Tabor College - Hillsboro, KS). Ralph was 4 years older than I....same age difference as my brother and I (coincidence? probably not). His mom was really strange and his sister (she was a bit younger than him) was probably schizophrenic....she definitely had some sort of mental disorder. Ralph's dad was deceased. I don't remember why or for how long. As stated in my earlier post, I weighed around 165 lbs, so my self-esteem was really low and I honestly couldn't understand why Ralph was even interested in me. He was good looking, athletic and an engineer. I was still very active....running, biking, etc. But yipes...I was fat! :( I don't remember how long we dated....it was quite awhile....like a year or two maybe? Not sure. During that time, I was certain he was really more interested in another person. Every time I saw him talking to her I got extremely jealous. I still have issues with jealousy. I'm not sure where that comes from, but I do know it's very difficult to get rid of. I don't like to admit it, but that's the truth....I have issues with jealousy. Ralph was a 'Christian' as well, so sex was off limits. I didn't want it anyway...was waiting until I got married, like a good little girl. Ralph, however, had no qualms using me for his own pleasure. He would rub himself against me until he had an orgasm and ejaculate all over me. I, then, had to clean myself up. WTF? Because of my brother and the boundaries he crossed (and the way I was raised in general), I have had difficulty knowing what appropriate boundaries are and I also find that when I express that a boundary has been crossed or that I'm uncomfortable with things, the guy I'm with tends to belittle what I say and/or get upset that I have put a halt to things. Eventually, I broke-up with Ralph. What a relief that was. I know I was in therapy for awhile before that happened. What a huge step for my self-esteem. Since then, I have tried to breakup with guys long before it gets to the point of being so uncomfortable for me (like it was with Ralph). Six months, after I broke-up with Ralph he was engaged to be married. I never met his wife, but dang, I feel sorry for her. Nothing like being a good Christian wife, where the man is the head of the house. I would have to be emotionally dead to survive that sort of existence, which is probably why I put up with it for so long. Emotional intelligence is very important and people who don't have it aren't in my life for too long now.
P.S. I emailed Mr. MC, told him I had googled him and asked him if he was 61. I said I was curious since his craigslist ad mentioned he was 59? He said yes, he turned 61 on Sept. 30th. He said he had lied by 1 year. He had posted the ad on Sept 29th, so technically he was right, but really? Splitting hairs, I would say, but then again, a lie is a lie if it's 1 year or 1 year 364 days. He's gone.
October 19, 2016
Post #7 - On not feeling well and other ramblings.
So, I'm starting over on this post, because I had over a paragraph typed and for some reason it highlighted and was removed. Fuck! So...as I originally was saying....Saturday evening after the l-o-n-g day on the mtn bike I was at home eating dinner and watching 'Person of Interest,' one of my favorite TV shows, when all of the sudden my throat started hurting really badly. I usually get a sore throat and headache when I'm catching a cold. The sore throat usually is just irritated initially, but this was a full blown extremely sore throat. It hurt a lot to swallow. I should've gone to Walgreen's to get some Nyquil, but I didn't want to go anywhere so I suffered that night....didn't sleep well. My throat hurt really badly. On Sunday, I went and got some Dayquil & Nyquil. That eased the symptoms. Now it has moved into my sinuses. I have no idea what the scoop is, but I haven't felt 100% for a few months now. I went to the Dr a month or so ago because I had a nagging sore throat. They took a culture, but it didn't show anything. On days when I'm not feeling well, I always wonder if I should work out or not. I didn't workout on Sunday, but I have since then. My rides and runs have been pretty pathetic tho. Today especially....no energy. When I don't feel well, I tend not to eat, so that could be part of it too. I'm getting a massage this evening....haven't had one since probably May, so that should stir all kinds of crap up in my system!
I have so much to write about today, I don't know where to start. Mr. MC, the mtn bike guy from Saturday, sent me an email and wants to ride this coming Saturday afternoon. I have no desire to be around him. I would, however, somehow like to get to know his friend, Cindy's friend, Tim that I met briefly - one of the kayakers! :) In our email correspondence before we (MC, this is) met, I had asked him quite a few questions that he never answered. I don't think I'm interested in someone like him....he seems controlling (which I detest) and cheap (plus, I think he lied about his age - liars are VERY low on my list, in fact, they don't make my list).
I've had a lot of physical issues the past few years. My left leg doesn't work correctly. My left hip flexor doesn't lift my leg or stabilize it. Consequently, my right foot/calf has to do a lot more work (the right foot is on the ground, when the left leg is being lifted to move it forward). I have told a gazillion (not really an exaggeration) PTs, Drs, DOs, massage therapists, acupuncturists, chiropractors, you name it and they all pretty much think I'm crazy. To look at me run or ride, you really can't tell (I don't think), but I have to work to make that leg work. It causes my left quad to have to work too hard, so it gets tired/fatigued too quickly. I try to relax 'into' that left side, but it is a mental battle. The minute I stop thinking about relaxing into it, the left side of my back and left arm tense up and try to 'help.' It's really frustrating. I have no idea what to do. I have probably run and biked like this my whole life and now that I'm more body aware (and have injuries related to it), I realize it and am trying to unravel years of patterning. I'm fairly certain this imbalance is what wreaked havoc on my right foot, calf and ankle and necessitated my ankle surgery. I'm determined to get it figured out tho. Maybe I need hypnotherapy or a lobotomy? Is this related to the time I crashed my bike (when I was really young) and had a concussion? The Dr said it was a mild concussion, but I was unconscious for hours! Did I see that wreck coming and brace myself on the left side? Or is it related to the incest trauma? Was my left side closest or somehow affected more? The left side is the feminine side.....does that play a role in all of this? Some thoughts I ponder.
I decided today that I need a vacation badly. I really haven't had one since I started working for myself 5 years ago. I never thought I could afford to take time off, because if I don't work I don't get paid, however, I really do need a break. Since my main client is having cash flow issues, maybe I'll sell my house and travel as I mentioned in another post. I'm disillusioned with the political scene too, tired of all kinds of stupidity that seems to be rampant and none of it really matters one iota in the big scheme of things.
October 17, 2016
Post #6 - Disillusioned
So, this past Saturday, I met a guy to go mtn biking at Buffalo Creek. We met on craigslist (sort of a long story) and he said he was 59, retired high school physics teacher, 5'10", Italian, frugal, likes to rock climb, hike & bike. We had 'chatted' via email a few times, however, he wasn't all that engaging. So we meet at the Morrison Rd / C470 lot to carpool. He told me he drives a Toyota Celica and can fit both bikes in the back of his car. I met him at 10:00 hoping he's more of a conversationalist in person than via email (we also had talked once on the phone and that was pretty darn boring). Sure enough, he is more 'chatty' so that's good. Now, I don't have the latest & greatest bike or gear, but most of it is from the past decade! His car was filthy, the windshield was so dirty you couldn't hardly see out of it. Is frugal the same as cheap? He has a cassette player in his car with cassette tapes on the floor in the back. We get to the Pine Valley Ranch trailhead and start biking....his bike is I don't know how old with Schrader valves! I haven't seen Schrader vales since my bike in high school!!! We start riding and my front brake is making noise, so we stop a couple of times to try to adjust my front wheel (I have disc brakes). Nothing seems to work and it is VERY annoying. It's clear pretty quickly that he is slower than I, so I take the lead and cruise up the climb. He's not far behind tho. He had offered to adjust my front brake, so at the next intersection I take him up on that offer. I had stopped in the shade and he says for me to move over more in the shade and points to where I need to be. It was like a foot from where I was. Now, I know this isn't a big deal, however, I've been around a lot of controlling men/people in my life and seemingly insignificant gestures and/or comments alert me and a red flag is raised. What difference does it make if I stop where I did or move a foot over? Also, I had googled him and also know he isn't 59....he's 61. So he adjusts my front brake and all seems better. Whew. So, he says he usually stops for lunch at a particular place and tries to describe it. I have no idea where he's talking about and I say that I didn't bring a lunch. I don't usually stop for lunch! I bring energy bars, stop quickly to eat and keep riding. So, we continue on and we get to the place he wants to stop and eat and he pulls out a sandwich. So we're there for probably 20 minutes. We continue riding and the plan was to drop down Sandy Wash and then go up Nice Kitty and do the Little Scraggy loop. We get up to Little Scraggy and started on that loop and I decided there's no way we had time for that. So, I stopped, he came up behind me and he rode by me to keep going and I told him I didn't think we had time for that loop. I told him we had only gone 15 miles in 3 1/2 hours (slower than hell) and the Little Scraggy loop was at least 10-12. He said 'no, it's only like 4.' And I said well, no, it's at least 6 to the road and then it loops around and comes back. I said let's ask someone. So, here comes a guy and so I asked him how long the Little Scraggy loop was and he said it was 12 miles. So, I said, we don't have time for this loop as we had to go at least 15 to get back to the car from where we were currently. So, we turned around and headed back to the TH. As it was we only went 33 miles in over 6 hours and we would've been coming back in the dark had we done the Little Scraggy loop. He said he had ridden out there quite a lot and he did seem to know the trails fairly well. Neither of us had a map (I don't need one, however, I usually take one just for good measure). We get back to the parking lot and he sees someone he knows, so he chats with her for awhile. It's probably 6:00 by then and I was hoping to eat at Zoka's in Pine Grove. They have really good burgers. I had mentioned that place to him when we talked on the phone. I went over and chatted with his friend and her group (they had been kayaking). Then we load up the car and head back to Denver. He didn't mentioned getting food, didn't offer and drove right past the Morrison exit where my car was parked because he was on a 'Trump' rant. He had a few Trump rants (which I understand, however, it was a bit much). I don't understand why men lie.....he's not 59, he's not 5'10" (more like 5'7" or 8"). I figure if people will lie about 'little' things then they will lie about bigger things as well. I met another guy recently who made strange comments to me like 'well, when I move in with you' and 'you'll have to measure me' when I asked him if he was 5'9" or 5'10" as he had some conflicting information on his profile. And then another guy who was sending me what I consider pornographic text messages. How old are we? Jr High? I can understand if we're dating seriously and for awhile, then these comments may be appropriate. But for someone I've just met? Am I a prude? Maybe some women like this sort of thing? Maybe guys think this is flirting and/or I won't find out that they lied about their age and/or height? It may be just me as well. I am just not happy. I don't want to do the work that I'm doing. I don't want to have a house. I want to get in my car, start driving and see where I end up. I'm really tired of the responsibility of home ownership. I feel stuck, unable to do what I want to do. Actually, tho, I don't have any ties...I'm not married, have no kids and could easily sell my house and leave all of this behind me. I am afraid tho. What if that isn't the right decision? What if I spend all of my savings and have nothing to show for it? I actually haven't wanted to do accounting for quite a few years. I find a job, think it's going to be great and then in 1 - 2 yrs, I'm bored to tears and ready to move on. Accounting is the exact same shit every month. I currently have a client that is having serious cash flow issues. Poor management as well. Another client is really frustrating. The CFO is smart, but not a good manager and the accounting was a mess when I started helping. Transactions coming in from everywhere and a person involved that messes things up. I knew this as I worked for him 20 years ago. I made a mistake taking on this client. Do people up and leave when they're 53 yrs old? Is this a mid-life crisis? I have had so many people come into my life the past few months that were really just a waste of my time. The men I've met seem to be controlling. One even admitted he was controlling! Good god. He was a former high school classmate that I hadn't seen in 35 yrs. He had googled me, looked me up on linked in, looked me up on Facebook (even tho he doesn't have a FB account - he had a co-worker look me up) and knew all kinds of things about me. It was sorta creepy. I can understand researching someone...I do it too. This seemed a bit over the top. Oh and because he's a banker he has access to a database that shows how much people paid for their homes. So he looked up mine! I know that information is public, however, he had access to more than what the average person does. He knew what I looked like when I first met him, but I had no idea he had a HUGE beer gut and wasn't fit whatsoever. He also immediately started making comments about how I should move north (to Greeley, Eaton), that I would love it up there. REALLY? He doesn't even know me. It's unbelievable what people think they can say to a person. He tells me that the Poudre Canyon is beautiful, which it is, but so are all of the canyons down here (Golden Gate, Coal Creek, Bear Creek, etc). He bought me a Bruce Hornsby CD....didn't ask me if I wanted one. Bought me oil and vinegar containers (cheap ones I might add) and didn't ask me if I wanted them. I don't get it. I guess I'm supposed to be enamored with him because he's a VP at a bank, set to become their CFO in a couple of years? Is that supposed to be enough for me to be interested? Doesn't work that way for me. I'm not easily impressed with material things. It's more what the person is, how they treat me, do they understand the things that I do, do they support me? They need to have emotional intelligence. And one ounce of controlling and I'm gone. It didn't take long for me to see why his wife had wanted a divorce. She lasted 21 yrs with him. I couldn't last 21 days. Sometimes I feel like I'm demented, that the trauma in my childhood has affected me to such a degree that I am too sensitive and tend to over react. But, on the other hand, traits like those of my brother & parents are red flags for me. Why would I want to be around people like them? Our circumstances shape our lives and who gets to determine what's 'normal' anyway? |
October 14, 2016
Post #5 - Fucking sick of Donald Trump
Post #5 - Friday, October 14, 2016
I am so sick and tired of people sticking up for Donald Trump. His abuse/assault of women, in the many and various forms over the years is enough to discredit him (ask his former wife, Ivana). I have no idea and it completely boggles my mind how anyone can support such a self absorbed, self righteous, chauvinistic, bigoted, misogynistic, racist person. And now I see people saying that the women coming forward who claim he sexually assaulted them are lying. I, personally, know it can take years to get the courage and guts to come forward. I can see why these women are coming forward now, because Trump said he never assaulted/abused any woman. He's a liar....he's demonstrated that time and time again. I have signed up with a local non-profit to take training for a sexual assault/abuse crisis hotline. Sexual assault/abuse is extremely damaging to a person (not just women, although women are the majority). Did you know that sexual assault includes men raping their wives? Men who assault prostitutes, even when there's money exchanged and an agreement? If the man decides to do something to a prostitute that is outside the original agreement and forces this on the women, that is sexual assault. Did you know that college women who get drunk really aren't asking for sexual assault/rape? Did you know that when a women says no, she really just fucking means no? Did you know that 'no' is a complete sentence? Did you know that just because a woman may be wearing sexy, revealing clothing, it doesn't mean she wants your hands on her or your penis in her? Men need to get a clue and realize that they do not have 'rights' when it comes to women's bodies. I don't wish sexual abuse/assault on anyone, however, I wonder what would happen if women started grabbing men's penis'/balls? Maybe women should just walk up behind a man, do a quick grab and keep walking. This happens a lot to girls and women. I can remember growing up, hearing of a rape and my mom's response was 'well, what was she wearing?' If a woman is walking down the street completely naked, does that mean she wants a penis in her vagina? Or a man's hands on her breasts (or anywhere on her body)? Who gives anyone the right to do anything what-so-ever, except maybe help her find shelter and some clothes??? It's not just men who need to get a clue, it's women as well. Women are, in a lot of cases, our own worst enemy. My mother did a HUGE disservice to me basically saying that it's a women's fault for getting raped. What message does that send to a young girl when her brother incests her? It's seems to me, that she's saying it's my fault? It's that mentality among women that contributes to not only the assault/abuse, but the shame & guilt that comes after.
I am so sick and tired of people sticking up for Donald Trump. His abuse/assault of women, in the many and various forms over the years is enough to discredit him (ask his former wife, Ivana). I have no idea and it completely boggles my mind how anyone can support such a self absorbed, self righteous, chauvinistic, bigoted, misogynistic, racist person. And now I see people saying that the women coming forward who claim he sexually assaulted them are lying. I, personally, know it can take years to get the courage and guts to come forward. I can see why these women are coming forward now, because Trump said he never assaulted/abused any woman. He's a liar....he's demonstrated that time and time again. I have signed up with a local non-profit to take training for a sexual assault/abuse crisis hotline. Sexual assault/abuse is extremely damaging to a person (not just women, although women are the majority). Did you know that sexual assault includes men raping their wives? Men who assault prostitutes, even when there's money exchanged and an agreement? If the man decides to do something to a prostitute that is outside the original agreement and forces this on the women, that is sexual assault. Did you know that college women who get drunk really aren't asking for sexual assault/rape? Did you know that when a women says no, she really just fucking means no? Did you know that 'no' is a complete sentence? Did you know that just because a woman may be wearing sexy, revealing clothing, it doesn't mean she wants your hands on her or your penis in her? Men need to get a clue and realize that they do not have 'rights' when it comes to women's bodies. I don't wish sexual abuse/assault on anyone, however, I wonder what would happen if women started grabbing men's penis'/balls? Maybe women should just walk up behind a man, do a quick grab and keep walking. This happens a lot to girls and women. I can remember growing up, hearing of a rape and my mom's response was 'well, what was she wearing?' If a woman is walking down the street completely naked, does that mean she wants a penis in her vagina? Or a man's hands on her breasts (or anywhere on her body)? Who gives anyone the right to do anything what-so-ever, except maybe help her find shelter and some clothes??? It's not just men who need to get a clue, it's women as well. Women are, in a lot of cases, our own worst enemy. My mother did a HUGE disservice to me basically saying that it's a women's fault for getting raped. What message does that send to a young girl when her brother incests her? It's seems to me, that she's saying it's my fault? It's that mentality among women that contributes to not only the assault/abuse, but the shame & guilt that comes after.
October 12, 2016
Post #4 - Setting Boundaries.
Post #4 - Wednesday, 10/12/2016
Over the years, I've had to learn to set boundaries with my parents, friends, significant others and work colleagues. This has NOT been easy. There were no boundaries for me growing up, obviously, if my uncle could torment me and my brother abuse me. I was an extension of my parents...not a separate entity that could voice her opinions, wants, desires or needs. I remember after I graduated from college I moved to Lakewood because I had an accounting job at a trucking company. I lived by myself in an apartment and was financially independent. Not long after I got this job, I bought a car. It was a blue Ford Tempo. I was so freakin' proud that I was financially able, in my early 20's, to buy a car. One weekend, my boyfriend, Ralph (another god damn story), and I went over to Taylor Park/Reservoir (west side of Cottonwood Pass) as my parents, brother (don't know who all actually) was going to be there. Now mind you, this was before I confronted my brother, however, I do think I may have been currently in therapy. Anyway, we were staying in cabins there and I got up in the morning and looked outside and my car was gone! I was shocked and pissed. I asked where it was and my brother and my dad had taken it to a town somewhere to buy a part for one of their vehicles that had broken down. WTF??? They hadn't asked me, they just fucking took it. I don't know how they got the keys...they must've gotten them out of my purse (another personal violation). When I mentioned it, my mom defended my dad & brother (of course) and so did the asshole I was dating, Ralph. Both of them acted like I was the one that was out of line for even being upset about this. Once again, my voice was silenced and not only silenced, but I was 'wrong' to even mention it. And once again, I had no choice in what happened to me. This still boggles my mind when I think about it. A few years later (I was 31 or 32 yrs old), I was married (to Bruno) and he and I were going out for an evening and my mom & dad were staying with us. We were living in a 1 bedroom apartment, so I have no idea why they were staying with us. I don't remember the particulars, except my parents are cheap. I had confronted my brother by this time and had started to verbalize boundaries to my parents. I told them they were going to have to sleep in the living room. So, when Bruno and I got home, guess what? My parents were in our bed. Once again....WTF?? It makes my skin crawl to think about that still. My dad always slept only in his underwear, he was fat & disgusting and he had been in my bed. Ick! Completely disrespectful. I told them to get out and I changed the sheets. Who the hell does that? Jesus Christ....remember...I was in my 30's and they STILL acted as if they 'owned' me!!!!
A few years ago my mom was sending text message to my brother, my sister and I as a group. Hence, if my brother replied I got a message from him, which I didn't want. So, I told my mother to stop including me on group text messages with him. She stopped until a couple of months ago. In early August 2016 (or it could've been in late July), she sent an email to the 3 of us. I guess, technically, an email isn't a text message, but wouldn't you think she'd apply the concept that I don't want to be included on correspondence with my brother to all forms of communication? Guess not. Anyway, in her email she said that since she was going to be turning 80 in November, that she wanted to send the three of us 'thumbs up' text messages EVERY morning, so that we would know she was ok. She lives alone on a farm about 10 miles from town, so it could be a day or two before someone would know something was wrong if something happened to her. So, she sends this email and my brother and sister both replied to all (so, once again I get a message from my brother). I didn't reply until the next morning and I told her I didn't want to be included on daily text messages (I really don't want her in my face early every morning. I don't like her THAT much.) and I once again, requested that she not include me in group text messages/emails with my brother. I told her I had asked her not to do that in the past. Well, she didn't get my email to her until after she sent her 'thumbs up' group text that morning, so within less than 24 hrs, I was included in an email and a text that included my brother. It seems she 'forgets' my requests.
Events like the ones above that are repeated in different circumstances over a long number of years, can tend to cause a person to feel crazy. I know inside what doesn't seem right or feel right, yet I question myself a lot because my perceptions, opinions, etc were never validated. Not only was I not validated, but I was basically told I was wrong to even think that way. As children, we aren't able to know that our parents are full of shit. Parents are 'supposed' to have our back, do what's best for us, protect us, validate us, love and affirm us. When that doesn't happen AND there's sexual & emotional abuse, it's very confusing for a child. I have learned over the years to trust my gut...there's an internal 'knowing' that never lets me down.
Over the years, I've had to learn to set boundaries with my parents, friends, significant others and work colleagues. This has NOT been easy. There were no boundaries for me growing up, obviously, if my uncle could torment me and my brother abuse me. I was an extension of my parents...not a separate entity that could voice her opinions, wants, desires or needs. I remember after I graduated from college I moved to Lakewood because I had an accounting job at a trucking company. I lived by myself in an apartment and was financially independent. Not long after I got this job, I bought a car. It was a blue Ford Tempo. I was so freakin' proud that I was financially able, in my early 20's, to buy a car. One weekend, my boyfriend, Ralph (another god damn story), and I went over to Taylor Park/Reservoir (west side of Cottonwood Pass) as my parents, brother (don't know who all actually) was going to be there. Now mind you, this was before I confronted my brother, however, I do think I may have been currently in therapy. Anyway, we were staying in cabins there and I got up in the morning and looked outside and my car was gone! I was shocked and pissed. I asked where it was and my brother and my dad had taken it to a town somewhere to buy a part for one of their vehicles that had broken down. WTF??? They hadn't asked me, they just fucking took it. I don't know how they got the keys...they must've gotten them out of my purse (another personal violation). When I mentioned it, my mom defended my dad & brother (of course) and so did the asshole I was dating, Ralph. Both of them acted like I was the one that was out of line for even being upset about this. Once again, my voice was silenced and not only silenced, but I was 'wrong' to even mention it. And once again, I had no choice in what happened to me. This still boggles my mind when I think about it. A few years later (I was 31 or 32 yrs old), I was married (to Bruno) and he and I were going out for an evening and my mom & dad were staying with us. We were living in a 1 bedroom apartment, so I have no idea why they were staying with us. I don't remember the particulars, except my parents are cheap. I had confronted my brother by this time and had started to verbalize boundaries to my parents. I told them they were going to have to sleep in the living room. So, when Bruno and I got home, guess what? My parents were in our bed. Once again....WTF?? It makes my skin crawl to think about that still. My dad always slept only in his underwear, he was fat & disgusting and he had been in my bed. Ick! Completely disrespectful. I told them to get out and I changed the sheets. Who the hell does that? Jesus Christ....remember...I was in my 30's and they STILL acted as if they 'owned' me!!!!
A few years ago my mom was sending text message to my brother, my sister and I as a group. Hence, if my brother replied I got a message from him, which I didn't want. So, I told my mother to stop including me on group text messages with him. She stopped until a couple of months ago. In early August 2016 (or it could've been in late July), she sent an email to the 3 of us. I guess, technically, an email isn't a text message, but wouldn't you think she'd apply the concept that I don't want to be included on correspondence with my brother to all forms of communication? Guess not. Anyway, in her email she said that since she was going to be turning 80 in November, that she wanted to send the three of us 'thumbs up' text messages EVERY morning, so that we would know she was ok. She lives alone on a farm about 10 miles from town, so it could be a day or two before someone would know something was wrong if something happened to her. So, she sends this email and my brother and sister both replied to all (so, once again I get a message from my brother). I didn't reply until the next morning and I told her I didn't want to be included on daily text messages (I really don't want her in my face early every morning. I don't like her THAT much.) and I once again, requested that she not include me in group text messages/emails with my brother. I told her I had asked her not to do that in the past. Well, she didn't get my email to her until after she sent her 'thumbs up' group text that morning, so within less than 24 hrs, I was included in an email and a text that included my brother. It seems she 'forgets' my requests.
Events like the ones above that are repeated in different circumstances over a long number of years, can tend to cause a person to feel crazy. I know inside what doesn't seem right or feel right, yet I question myself a lot because my perceptions, opinions, etc were never validated. Not only was I not validated, but I was basically told I was wrong to even think that way. As children, we aren't able to know that our parents are full of shit. Parents are 'supposed' to have our back, do what's best for us, protect us, validate us, love and affirm us. When that doesn't happen AND there's sexual & emotional abuse, it's very confusing for a child. I have learned over the years to trust my gut...there's an internal 'knowing' that never lets me down.
October 11, 2016
Post #3 - One way I coped.
Post #3 - Tuesday, 10/11/2016
One way I coped with the angst of my childhood was to become very religious. Because I was raised in a conservative Christian home, I became the good little girl who never got into trouble. I was 'born again' in my teens, studied the bible, listened to Christian music and took bible classes. Looking back, that was a way to cope with the stuff going on with me - a survival mechanism. Additionally, I think it was a way for me to try to connect to my mother. Because she was Christian, I think I thought this would be a good way for us to connect. Didn't happen. She was emotionally unavailable - I received no physical affection from her. I remember trying to get a hug from her when I was very young and she said 'Don't hang on me.' That was the end of me trying to get hugs/affection from her, although I never stopped yearning for it. I didn't hear the words 'I love you' from her until I left for college at age 18. I cried for miles and miles as I drove. I was very obedient growing up...didn't/couldn't talk back to my parents or I would've been grounded, whipped or spanked. Children were to be seen and not heard in the house I grew-up in. I got a lot of grief from my classmates in high school for being so goody-goody. One day I opened my locker at school and someone had put pornographic photos in it. There were also photos in my car when I got in it to drive home after school (by the way, I'm pretty sure I know who did that). I was mortified and offended. I can chuckle about that now, but really it was a hurtful thing to do. I didn't party, didn't have sex....I couldn't (or didn't think I should/could...didn't really even think about it) be a normal rebellious teenager. I have no idea what my mother would've done to me had I done those terrible things! I remember the night before my 16th birthday I came in one minute after my curfew and I was grounded on my birthday. The rules were extremely strict and if I didn't follow them, there was hell to pay. I was very Christian until my early 30's. I went to a conservative Christian college in Kansas (Tabor College). I dated only Christian men. At the age of 30, I met a dashing South African, Bruno, who was Mormon. There was no way I was going to marry a Mormon as that was a cult and they weren't REALLY Christian. We started going out and I told him I would never marry him if he was Mormon. I read all kinds of books about Mormonism and of course, prayed a lot for Bruno - had to save his soul, ya know. My mother didn't want me to even read about Mormonism, let alone date him. She's always had a 'thing' about things she considers 'evil.' Psychology & yoga were also something that was evil (yoga, really?). Even tho she always expected me to go to college, there were some things a person shouldn't study. One day, Bruno told me he didn't believe in Mormonism anymore. He threw away his Book of Mormon and his garments. I was flabbergasted. He had been a Mormon missionary! (more about him in a later post). As you can see, I was very dedicated to the Christian way of life. A few years later, the Christian way wasn't working for me anymore. The judgmental & critical nature of Christians didn't fit who I wanted to be. I felt there should be more freedom and more acceptance of people who didn't necessarily believe that way. There was so much right/wrong, black/white, good/bad, heaven/hell. Too many taboo subjects. I've always felt anything and everything can and should be talked about. Not sure when, but I stopped going to church altogether. A few years later, a friend of mine invited me to attend Mile Hi Church in Lakewood. It's a Science of Mind & Spirit church. I went there for probably 2 years before I 'got' it. Because I had been raised and had believed in Christian theology/dogma for so long, it didn't seem like they believed anything! There didn't seem to be concrete beliefs. What I love about that church is they are open to having anyone attend. You can be Catholic, Buddhist, Christian, Atheist, straight, gay, black, white, doesn't even matter. Most of my family are still Christian.....mostly my mother's side. Of course, forgiveness is a big deal for Christians, so that's what I'm supposed to do, because if you don't forgive you're going to hell (more on forgiveness later). Another one of those Christian beliefs I don't buy anymore. If I don't believe in heaven & hell, then threats don't carry much weight, do they? It has taken me years to 'undo' the judgmental/critical nature of Christianity. I didn't like that aspect of myself and that's one reason I stopped believing in it. I still sometimes jump to judgment, but it has less of a hold on me. Being judgmental & critical keeps people at arm's length and basically is saying that 'I'm better than you.' Life is so much easier for me now that I don't have to judge everyone all of the time! It's much easier to accept people's differences in belief, etc - less brain damage! Although, I have to say, I don't accept what my mom believes.....it's too close and has been too damaging. Maybe someday I'll get there.
One way I coped with the angst of my childhood was to become very religious. Because I was raised in a conservative Christian home, I became the good little girl who never got into trouble. I was 'born again' in my teens, studied the bible, listened to Christian music and took bible classes. Looking back, that was a way to cope with the stuff going on with me - a survival mechanism. Additionally, I think it was a way for me to try to connect to my mother. Because she was Christian, I think I thought this would be a good way for us to connect. Didn't happen. She was emotionally unavailable - I received no physical affection from her. I remember trying to get a hug from her when I was very young and she said 'Don't hang on me.' That was the end of me trying to get hugs/affection from her, although I never stopped yearning for it. I didn't hear the words 'I love you' from her until I left for college at age 18. I cried for miles and miles as I drove. I was very obedient growing up...didn't/couldn't talk back to my parents or I would've been grounded, whipped or spanked. Children were to be seen and not heard in the house I grew-up in. I got a lot of grief from my classmates in high school for being so goody-goody. One day I opened my locker at school and someone had put pornographic photos in it. There were also photos in my car when I got in it to drive home after school (by the way, I'm pretty sure I know who did that). I was mortified and offended. I can chuckle about that now, but really it was a hurtful thing to do. I didn't party, didn't have sex....I couldn't (or didn't think I should/could...didn't really even think about it) be a normal rebellious teenager. I have no idea what my mother would've done to me had I done those terrible things! I remember the night before my 16th birthday I came in one minute after my curfew and I was grounded on my birthday. The rules were extremely strict and if I didn't follow them, there was hell to pay. I was very Christian until my early 30's. I went to a conservative Christian college in Kansas (Tabor College). I dated only Christian men. At the age of 30, I met a dashing South African, Bruno, who was Mormon. There was no way I was going to marry a Mormon as that was a cult and they weren't REALLY Christian. We started going out and I told him I would never marry him if he was Mormon. I read all kinds of books about Mormonism and of course, prayed a lot for Bruno - had to save his soul, ya know. My mother didn't want me to even read about Mormonism, let alone date him. She's always had a 'thing' about things she considers 'evil.' Psychology & yoga were also something that was evil (yoga, really?). Even tho she always expected me to go to college, there were some things a person shouldn't study. One day, Bruno told me he didn't believe in Mormonism anymore. He threw away his Book of Mormon and his garments. I was flabbergasted. He had been a Mormon missionary! (more about him in a later post). As you can see, I was very dedicated to the Christian way of life. A few years later, the Christian way wasn't working for me anymore. The judgmental & critical nature of Christians didn't fit who I wanted to be. I felt there should be more freedom and more acceptance of people who didn't necessarily believe that way. There was so much right/wrong, black/white, good/bad, heaven/hell. Too many taboo subjects. I've always felt anything and everything can and should be talked about. Not sure when, but I stopped going to church altogether. A few years later, a friend of mine invited me to attend Mile Hi Church in Lakewood. It's a Science of Mind & Spirit church. I went there for probably 2 years before I 'got' it. Because I had been raised and had believed in Christian theology/dogma for so long, it didn't seem like they believed anything! There didn't seem to be concrete beliefs. What I love about that church is they are open to having anyone attend. You can be Catholic, Buddhist, Christian, Atheist, straight, gay, black, white, doesn't even matter. Most of my family are still Christian.....mostly my mother's side. Of course, forgiveness is a big deal for Christians, so that's what I'm supposed to do, because if you don't forgive you're going to hell (more on forgiveness later). Another one of those Christian beliefs I don't buy anymore. If I don't believe in heaven & hell, then threats don't carry much weight, do they? It has taken me years to 'undo' the judgmental/critical nature of Christianity. I didn't like that aspect of myself and that's one reason I stopped believing in it. I still sometimes jump to judgment, but it has less of a hold on me. Being judgmental & critical keeps people at arm's length and basically is saying that 'I'm better than you.' Life is so much easier for me now that I don't have to judge everyone all of the time! It's much easier to accept people's differences in belief, etc - less brain damage! Although, I have to say, I don't accept what my mom believes.....it's too close and has been too damaging. Maybe someday I'll get there.
October 9, 2016
Post #2 - 1 yr ago this past Saturday
Post #2 - Monday, 10/10/2016
So, Saturday, Oct 8th was the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. I never really got along with my dad. I thought he was undisciplined (he was overweight) and part of my anorexia was due to showing him that you can be disciplined and not eat like a pig. There's a lot of memories I have of him that don't make sense and I can remember in the 3rd grade wishing my mom would leave him. There wasn't any physical abuse as far as I know, but I never felt that he treated my mom well. It was an insidious environment and it's difficult for me to put into words. Because he never said anything to me about my brother and the incest, I respected him even less. The last 3 years of his life, I didn't talk to him or see him (I didn't see or talk to my mother as well). During those 3 years, I asked myself (my gut) often if I would regret not seeing him or talking to him and the answer was always 'no'. It's still 'no.' I still have no regrets on that. There have been a lot of 'events' that have happened over the years that got me to that point (later posts will talk about that). My dad had a heart attack and was airlifted to St. Anthony's in Lakewood on a Wednesday evening, Oct 7th, 2015. It took me until mid-morning the next day to go to the hospital. I didn't want to go, didn't want to see him, yet I finally went as I knew I would regret it if I didn't go. I know this sounds horrible and that I'm a terrible child/person, however, these are the facts. My dad didn't get stable enough to have bypass surgery and he was taken off of life support on Thursday afternoon, Oct 8th, 2015. I had some time alone with him in the hospital before he passed. I don't know if he heard me or understood me as he really wasn't 'there', but I let him have it. I told him how he had let me down, how he was a spineless wimp because he could never talk to me about one of the most defining moments in my life.
What is also sad about this past Saturday is that I didn't remember it was a year ago that he died. My cousin sent me a message on Facebook saying she was thinking of me and I had to think for a bit as to why she would send me that message. I sent a text to a couple of people in my tribe telling them this and that I was feeling bad about not feeling bad and one of them said: "I think we are good at taking on responsibility for other people's shortcomings in their relationships with us." So very true.
Post #1 - Some of my life's defining moments.
Sunday, 10/9/2016
I've been wanting to write (and actually have been writing....just haven't made it public on a blog) about events, people and thoughts in and about my life for quite some time (like years). I'm going to start with the event(s) that have shaped my life the most and spread out from there. As Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) says: Start in the middle and work out from there.
I grew-up on a farm/ranch in eastern CO. I was born in 1963, which means I'm 53 yrs old now. I have a brother that is 4 years older and a sister that is 8 1/2 years younger. I was raised in a very conservative, Christian home. We (meaning all of us, except Dad....he rarely went) went to church every Sunday and sometimes during the week. My mom was (probably still is) in a weekly bible study. I don't remember all of the details like when it started or exactly when it ended, but I was incested by my brother on multiple occasions. It happened at our home and it happened in our camper while on vacation (traveling down the road, no less). I know it ended at least when he left home at age 18 and went to college. I never blocked it out....I always knew that it happened. I can remember wanting desperately to ask my good friend, who had two older brothers, if they did things to her, but I never did. What if she said 'no'? It's amazing how smart children are....I knew I couldn't tell my mother, because I knew she wouldn't support or protect me. You see, when I was under school age, like 2, 3 or 4 (or maybe all of those years?), she would take me to the sale barn (a place they auction livestock) for lunch sometimes as my Dad worked there once a week. I would always order the same thing, mashed potatoes & gravy and a Hershey's candy bar (visualizing this and writing it is making me cry). My uncle, who is actually my Dad's uncle and my great uncle, would come in and take my candy bar and not give it back until I cried. My mom did nothing. This happened many, many times. I have no idea how many times. It is unfathomable to me how a mother can sit back and let someone torment her child while she sits and watches. I've done a lot of reading and work around these subjects, so later posts will have some of my insights. But I digress.....at the age of 16, I became anorexic which is a classic symptom of sexual abuse. I was 5'5" and weighed 97 lbs for 4 years, until I was a sophomore in college. The summer between my sophomore and Jr years of college I decided I was tired of not eating, so I started eating everything I hadn't eaten the prior 4 years. I gained over 65 lbs (68 to be exact) in 3 months. Of course, then I was miserable as well, but dang it felt good to eat! After college, I still couldn't get a handle on the eating. I had moved to Denver for a job (my degree was in accounting....that's another story/post) and I was at my wits end trying to get my eating & life under control. I decided I needed help, so I found a therapist that dealt with eating disorders. I started meeting with her once a week and for the first year or so we dealt with the eating. I had wanted to ask her about what my brother had done as deep inside I didn't think it was right, yet part of me thought that maybe that was 'normal' and I was afraid of what she might say. At around a year of therapy, I finally decided I needed to tell her, so I did. She responded with 'I've been waiting for you to tell me that.' She knew something had happened and thankfully waited for me to be in a place where I could tell her. So.....thus began therapy for the incest. At age 28, I was sick and tired of being the only person in our family who knew about this, so I decided I wanted to tell my parents and also confront my brother. So, I was home for Thanksgiving and I wanted to tell my mom to be sure I had her support before confronting my brother. Looking back, I'm not sure why I wanted/needed her support, but at the time I felt I needed this. So, I told my mother. She said she believed and supported me and told me to 'let him have it.' So, a few months later, I asked my brother to meet me at my mom & dad's house (on the farm) 2 1/2 hours away from Denver. My parents were also there. We sat at the dining room table. I had written it all out, so I would say everything I wanted to say and not get distracted or flustered. I knew that the likelihood was high that my brother would deny it, which he did. What I didn't expect was my mother's response. She said 'I believe you both.' WTF????? how is that possible? I told her you can't believe us both as we are saying entirely the opposite. I was baffled, discombobulated, upset, started crying and completely betrayed that day. My dad didn't say anything and went to his grave (1 year ago yesterday) without saying one word to me about what his f'n son had done. That day was the best and worst day of my life, bar none. I told my story to the people who needed to know (best part) and was betrayed in a way I'll never understand (worst part). My mother even asked me to stay for lunch after she thru me under the bus. Unfucking believable.....I'll never, ever understand.
That's the crux of where most of my posts will come from, as these events have affected every aspect of my life. In the past couple of years, I have told a lot of people. My aunts, uncles and first cousins on both sides of the family know (most have supported me and for that I am extremely grateful - a public thank you to them - you all know who you are!), I went thru a 7 week writing process (SpeakOut!) with the WINGS Foundation and spoke at the Mercury Café (Denver) as the capstone event. I, as well as 2 other women (part of my tribe) also spoke at the WINGS Foundation conference in 2014. I have also told two of my high school classmates and I really want anyone and everyone to know.
I don't plan to make my blog all doom and gloom, however, because I've had (and continue to have) a great life. I've had some amazing experiences. I'm an athletic person (which will be the subject for other posts) and love to trail run, road bike, mtn bike and be in the mtns (the mtns give me energy and soothe my soul). My main goal is just to share my life...the past and today. I am, as we all are, multi-facted, with a lot of moving parts.....varied interests, ah-ha moments, etc. It's really 'me' that I want to share. I have TONS of things I want to write about and I'll fill in some blanks (contextual events/memories) of the story above along the way. I welcome any feedback.
I've been wanting to write (and actually have been writing....just haven't made it public on a blog) about events, people and thoughts in and about my life for quite some time (like years). I'm going to start with the event(s) that have shaped my life the most and spread out from there. As Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) says: Start in the middle and work out from there.
I grew-up on a farm/ranch in eastern CO. I was born in 1963, which means I'm 53 yrs old now. I have a brother that is 4 years older and a sister that is 8 1/2 years younger. I was raised in a very conservative, Christian home. We (meaning all of us, except Dad....he rarely went) went to church every Sunday and sometimes during the week. My mom was (probably still is) in a weekly bible study. I don't remember all of the details like when it started or exactly when it ended, but I was incested by my brother on multiple occasions. It happened at our home and it happened in our camper while on vacation (traveling down the road, no less). I know it ended at least when he left home at age 18 and went to college. I never blocked it out....I always knew that it happened. I can remember wanting desperately to ask my good friend, who had two older brothers, if they did things to her, but I never did. What if she said 'no'? It's amazing how smart children are....I knew I couldn't tell my mother, because I knew she wouldn't support or protect me. You see, when I was under school age, like 2, 3 or 4 (or maybe all of those years?), she would take me to the sale barn (a place they auction livestock) for lunch sometimes as my Dad worked there once a week. I would always order the same thing, mashed potatoes & gravy and a Hershey's candy bar (visualizing this and writing it is making me cry). My uncle, who is actually my Dad's uncle and my great uncle, would come in and take my candy bar and not give it back until I cried. My mom did nothing. This happened many, many times. I have no idea how many times. It is unfathomable to me how a mother can sit back and let someone torment her child while she sits and watches. I've done a lot of reading and work around these subjects, so later posts will have some of my insights. But I digress.....at the age of 16, I became anorexic which is a classic symptom of sexual abuse. I was 5'5" and weighed 97 lbs for 4 years, until I was a sophomore in college. The summer between my sophomore and Jr years of college I decided I was tired of not eating, so I started eating everything I hadn't eaten the prior 4 years. I gained over 65 lbs (68 to be exact) in 3 months. Of course, then I was miserable as well, but dang it felt good to eat! After college, I still couldn't get a handle on the eating. I had moved to Denver for a job (my degree was in accounting....that's another story/post) and I was at my wits end trying to get my eating & life under control. I decided I needed help, so I found a therapist that dealt with eating disorders. I started meeting with her once a week and for the first year or so we dealt with the eating. I had wanted to ask her about what my brother had done as deep inside I didn't think it was right, yet part of me thought that maybe that was 'normal' and I was afraid of what she might say. At around a year of therapy, I finally decided I needed to tell her, so I did. She responded with 'I've been waiting for you to tell me that.' She knew something had happened and thankfully waited for me to be in a place where I could tell her. So.....thus began therapy for the incest. At age 28, I was sick and tired of being the only person in our family who knew about this, so I decided I wanted to tell my parents and also confront my brother. So, I was home for Thanksgiving and I wanted to tell my mom to be sure I had her support before confronting my brother. Looking back, I'm not sure why I wanted/needed her support, but at the time I felt I needed this. So, I told my mother. She said she believed and supported me and told me to 'let him have it.' So, a few months later, I asked my brother to meet me at my mom & dad's house (on the farm) 2 1/2 hours away from Denver. My parents were also there. We sat at the dining room table. I had written it all out, so I would say everything I wanted to say and not get distracted or flustered. I knew that the likelihood was high that my brother would deny it, which he did. What I didn't expect was my mother's response. She said 'I believe you both.' WTF????? how is that possible? I told her you can't believe us both as we are saying entirely the opposite. I was baffled, discombobulated, upset, started crying and completely betrayed that day. My dad didn't say anything and went to his grave (1 year ago yesterday) without saying one word to me about what his f'n son had done. That day was the best and worst day of my life, bar none. I told my story to the people who needed to know (best part) and was betrayed in a way I'll never understand (worst part). My mother even asked me to stay for lunch after she thru me under the bus. Unfucking believable.....I'll never, ever understand.
That's the crux of where most of my posts will come from, as these events have affected every aspect of my life. In the past couple of years, I have told a lot of people. My aunts, uncles and first cousins on both sides of the family know (most have supported me and for that I am extremely grateful - a public thank you to them - you all know who you are!), I went thru a 7 week writing process (SpeakOut!) with the WINGS Foundation and spoke at the Mercury Café (Denver) as the capstone event. I, as well as 2 other women (part of my tribe) also spoke at the WINGS Foundation conference in 2014. I have also told two of my high school classmates and I really want anyone and everyone to know.
I don't plan to make my blog all doom and gloom, however, because I've had (and continue to have) a great life. I've had some amazing experiences. I'm an athletic person (which will be the subject for other posts) and love to trail run, road bike, mtn bike and be in the mtns (the mtns give me energy and soothe my soul). My main goal is just to share my life...the past and today. I am, as we all are, multi-facted, with a lot of moving parts.....varied interests, ah-ha moments, etc. It's really 'me' that I want to share. I have TONS of things I want to write about and I'll fill in some blanks (contextual events/memories) of the story above along the way. I welcome any feedback.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)