July 16, 2017

Post #27 - The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allender

Post #27- July 16, 2017

I read this book 3 years ago and drafted this blog post back then.  At first I was going to just take the book back to the library when I realized it's written from a Christian perspective and is filled with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, etc.  However, I thought I'd give it a chance and I'm glad I did.  Here's some things I gleaned from this book.  I especially like that the author talks about the homes where abuse occurs.


From Chapter Four: The War Zone; Strategies for Abuse

Few abuse victims come from happy, so-called normal homes, even if the appearance is enviable to outsiders who do not know the inner workings of the family.  Many times the typical home where abuse occurs and is not reported is relationally distant and empty.  The variations of the pattern are many, but the fact remains that legitimate, healthy intimacy is rare or nonexistent in abusive homes.  The environment is a breeding ground for deep soul hunger.

Many abuse victims are prone to deny the shortcomings of their own homes.  The most obvious reason is that whatever was typical is viewed as normal.  Chances are, however, that the two factors that are essential to a happy home were absent in the victim’s.  The first factor is a sense of being enjoyed for who one is rather than for what one does.  Many abuse victims were enjoyed for being the adultified child, but that kind of appreciation leaves the hungry heart untouched.  A second factor is a respect of one’s being that permits the opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other members of the family. 

The role confusion is further complicated by repeated violations of the child’s boundaries and individual rights.  Boundaries are appropriate lines that rightfully separate one’s inner and outer world from the domain of others.  They provide a sense of uniqueness and independence and help a person orient who he or she is in contrast to who others are.

So far the home of the victim has produced relational hunger, a sense of being needed but nevertheless demeaned, while making it difficult for the child to trust her perceptions and feelings.  The atmosphere is also demanding, conservative and rule-bound.  The highest family value is loyalty: always faithful, no matter the cost, to protect the family from attack and shame. 

The scene is set for abuse.  The child is (to some degree) empty, alone, committed to pleasing, boundary-less, burdened, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes the bread of hope for the hungry child.  The two key words are empty and dependent.   The child is also psychologically intertwined in the push and pull of the parent’s every offer or refusal to provide nurturing and support.
Many factors influence personality, but the central organizing theme in a dysfunctional family will be how to deaden the pain of soul hunger, while remaining sufficiently alert and predisposed to act in one’s own best interest.  Soul deadness – or a heart dulled to its own pain – and a hypervigilant, poised alertness are not compatible partners in the dance of life.  In order to live inherent contradiction, the child must develop a split between the two (or more) antithetical positions, thus existing as two different people; an inner person who quietly and unobtrusively stores what is most precious away from the sight of a dangerous world; and a public person who adopts the manner, dress, voice, and face that others who distribute the bounty of life expect to be displayed.  If Dad expects me to be a good student, I will perform to his desire (if possible); the reward will be an occasional smile, or perhaps a free night to spend with my friends.

The child is caught in a wretched dilemma.   Survival means fitting in, and to fit in means to live a life of torment.  The experience of being profoundly used and let down by someone we trusted and relied on sears the hope that relationship can be purely enjoyed.
The effect of sensual contact (cuddling nourishes their young souls in a different way than play or normal physical contact) on the child who has lived much of his or her life without nourishing touch is equivalent to watering a flower that has been left without water for days.  The drooping stem straightens and the closed bud opens; the lifeless plant brightens into the glory that it was meant to reveal.  So with the heart of the hungry child; the warmth lifts her face, and the nourishment brings hope to her eyes.  The memories of this stage are hard for the abuse victim to recall without an awful combination of shame and confusion.  A child isn’t as sure as an adult when touch by another is inappropriate, but she does sense that something is ‘weird.’  Her sense of discomfort, however, is clouded by the thrill of being cared for.  Seduction desensitizes a child over time so that she doesn’t recognize abusive progression. 
‘Why did I allow myself to trust?  Why did I allow myself to want a man who would (or did) abuse me?”
The child will not see the touch as a choice, as clearly as an adult might, especially if she has been locked in sensual isolation for years, hungry of soul for contact, unsure of her own right to boundaries, and doubtful of her own intuitive judgment.

From Chapter Six: Betrayal
The betrayal has three levels: the failure of the family to nourish the child prior to the abuse, the traitorous act of the perpetrator, and the lack of protection offered by the nonoffending parent(s).  The lack of appropriate relational nourishment is the necessary soil in which the weeds of abuse may flourish.  A healthy environment in which children are respected and treated with sensitivity  and compassion rarely produces abuse.  It is impossible to use someone you love.  The desire to posses or subjugate - the hunger to repay or destroy - is the ground for abuse.

A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child.  A third form of nonoffending  betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.

July 14, 2017

Post #26 - Fighting to stay alive

Post #26 - July 14,  2017

I have dealt with depression off and on over the years.   Sometimes it's pretty bad, sometimes it's not even a thought.  The past few years, it happens more often.  Today is one of those days.   Usually, I don't mention it to anyone,  but I decided today to write while I'm in the middle of it.  There have been a couple of times in the past couple of years, where it was so bad,  that I called a couple of people and asked them to check on  me the next morning to see if I was still among the living. Suicide has been a constant companion for many years.  It sounds strange, but it is comforting to me to know that I can end everything.  This morning was one of those mornings where nothing really seemed worth it.  It took all I had to get out of my car and start walking at Green Mtn.  Even after I started,  I almost turned around.  I knew, tho, that if I kept going I'd start to feel a little better.  I walked parts I usually run, because I just didn't have the fortitude to run.  I did eventually start slowly running.  As per usual, running helps and I start to feel better.  Running has always been a life saver for me.  Had I not discovered it in college, I'd probably be dead.  I'm positive it has saved my life numerous times.  Even after I got home today, tho, I've been crying.   I just don't know where to turn.  I have thought about selling my house and most of my crap and hitting the road.  Then, the logical side of me takes over and says "who does that at age 54?"  And then the other side of me says, "well, it may save your life and why not?"   Alot of time, when I feel like this,  I get a feeling in my stomach as if I need to vomit, although I'm not physically sick.  It's just as if something needs to come out.  I'd like to be dating someone, however, that's tough to do, it seems, when in the mid-50's.  People, including me, are so set in their ways, that it's difficult to find compromise.   Plus, I find most people don't want to (or are unable to) discuss the 'hard' things in life.  And, to be honest, trust is an issue for me.  Add all of this and a whole plethora of other things and there just doesn't seem to be a way out (or through).  The current political climate in this country has increased my depression as well.  It seems our country has regressed at least 70 years.  To me, the future isn't as bright.  As a kid and young adult, I thought life and 'things' would just get better and better.  Hasn't seemed to happen that way.  I never imagined I would be in the situation I am in and have been in for a few years.  For the past few New Year's Eve's, I think that the next year I'll make a drastic change.  So  far, I haven't had the guts or I get too depressed to make a change.  From a very young age, I have been so responsible. Growing up, I made breakfast for my parents (when I was in high school - what high schooler does that?), I never got into trouble, was valedictorian, didn't drink, didn't break the rules (of which there were many), went to church, didn't swear, didn't disobey, was polite and couldn't tell anyone of my angst.  I still feel I can't tell anyone my angst, except someone I pay to listen to me.  Since graduating from  college, I have been financially self-sufficient.  I have had zero (ZERO) help from anyone - even when I was married, my husband didn't help much.  In fact, when he left, I had huge long-distance phone bills to pay or risk hurting my credit.

...to be continued....

July 11, 2017

Post #25 - Searching for people who are accountable

Post #25 - July 11,  2017

Yesterday, I consulted with a lawyer for an opinion regarding a consulting agreement I have with a client.  I had left him a message earlier in the day.  He called back and after I gave him more details, he started talking and the more he talked the angrier he got.  At one point, he swore - not at me in particular, but in regards to what I might say to the client.  I was confused by his anger and not sure where it was coming from.  I decided to ask him about his anger, so I said "I find it interesting that you're getting angry about this."   This riled him up even more, it seemed.  He went off on how he was doing me a favor by returning my phone call and giving me free advice.  He then said I could pay him a retainer and told me his hourly rate.   I never cease to be amazed that people do things and then don't take responsibility for what they do?  It's not like someone had a gun pointed to his head and forced him to call and talk to me.

I  wonder what the world would be like if people took responsibility for their choices, words and actions?  Hmmmm......


Post #24 - Some thoughts on love.

Post #24 - July 11, 2017

I've been thinking a lot lately (past few months or so) about love and what the hell that really is.  I don't think I've ever actually experienced true love.  Not the emotional kind anyway.  Growing up I never heard the words 'I love you' from my parents or anyone else for that matter.  I had a nasty uncle who teased me relentlessly (Uncle Leonard Beeson, whom I hope is rotting in hell) and when I complained to Eleanor about his teasing she told me he teased me because he 'liked' me.  Really?  That never made sense to me.   Why would someone who supposedly 'liked' me, treat me so viciously (teased me until I cried - see earlier blog post)?  I never experienced hunger and I always had clothes to wear.  Wasn't ever beaten,  however, to me that is 'easy' love.  That's the kind of 'love' you provide when you don't want the neighbors to talk or social services to show-up at your door.  'Real' love isn't really tangible.  It can't really be seen, although it can be demonstrated by hugs & affection.  To me, it's when someone takes the time to really get to know you.  They allow you to express your opinions, disagree, etc and they have meaningful conversation with you.  They know your likes, dislikes, your fears and your aspirations.  You are seen and heard.  Growing up, if I expressed my opinions or disagreed, it was either met with silence (because some things can't be talked about) or I was punished for disobeying.  I think that's why the word 'love' is so confusing to me.  The first time I heard 'I love you' from Eleanor was when I left for college (18 years old).  Since then, she has said it many times, as did my Dad, however, to me it's just a word they said, because neither of them backed it up with action.  Eleanor will tell you (and me) that she loves me, however, she continues to hang around my brother and has chosen him over me.  'Love' rings very hollow, when it has strings attached and/or nothing to substantiate it.  I found this story when googling 'love':


A little girl was invited for dinner at the home of her first-grade friend. The vegetable was buttered broccoli and the mother asked if she liked it. “Oh, yes,” the child replied politely, “I love it!”

But when the bowl of broccoli was passed, she declined to take any. The hostess said, “I thought you said you loved broccoli.” The girl replied sweetly, “Oh, yes ma’am, I do, but not enough to eat it!”

That's the kind of love I was raised with.  Love in word, but not deed.

July 8, 2017

Post #23 - Searching for people of integrity

Post #23 - July 8, 2017

And by people of integrity, I mean people that do what  they say they are going to do, people who keep their word.  There have been a lot of people who have come into  my life who don't do what they say they'll do.  Here's some recent examples:

1).  I called RT as a colleague suggested he may want some assistance with his business.  After no reply from a couple of emails that I sent him, I called and left a message.  He called back on a Monday morning.  He seemed distracted,  mentioned something about how he was just back from vacation and that he would call me either later that afternoon or the next morning.  Never heard from him.

2).  LE told 6 of us that she would contact a local non-profit, the Executive Director and the BOD, to see if we could get on the BOD agenda.  The plan was to start a speaker's bureau and coordinate speaking opportunities for CSA.  She never contacted the non-profit - said she would do this in January 2017.

3).  KL and I had plans to climb a peak last weekend (Monday, July 3rd).  KL was out of town on Sat & Sun at his parent's house as his brother, sister-in-law and niece were in town from Montana, but he said Monday would be good.  I sent him a text on Sunday afternoon asking him what peak we were climbing the next day, as we had discussed quite a few.  I didn't hear back that eve, as I went to bed early.  When I got up on Monday, he said he was staying at his parent's as his Dad wanted him to help trim some trees.

I don't know why people don't do what they say they are going to do?  I find it very frustrating, disappointing and disrespectful.   One time and I don't trust that person anymore.