Post #35 - September 28, 2018
I listened to this podcast a few times recently - so very good. Tami Simon with Sounds True interviewed Mario Martinez (this is from 2014) about his book the Mind Body Code. He talks about 3 archetypal wounds: abandonment, shame and betrayal and their corresponding healing fields; commitment, loyalty and honor. He talks about not only how the mind and body affect each other, but how our culture affects our mind and body. He refers to the mind, body culture paradigm. Different cultures and their cultural norms affect people in various ways. Perception is cultural.
Mario talks about 'moving beyond the pale' which is an old English phrase, which means going outside cultural and/or family accepted norms. He talks about when people become more successful than those within their family or community, they are first seen as a success, but when they go back to the family/community they are disparaged. Same with ideas, etc that aren't in alignment with the acceptable family/community. I resonated with this because I spoke out about incest and my whole family knows, at first they supported me, but then they threw me under the bus.
The night after I heard this podcast I had a dream. In the dream, I was at Eleanor's (mom) memorial/funeral. My dad was there. So that was reversed. In real life, my dad has passed and my mom is alive. In the dream, my relatives are there and it's in a building where one of my client's has his business (downtown Denver). I'm not all that upset about my mother being dead or that it's her funeral. There's a side story in my dream and someone I know is being tortured or about to be tortured and I'm more concerned about him than the funeral. Earlier in the day after I listened to the podcast, I had contemplated about the many ways my mom had/has abandoned me. Mario talks about how commitment is the healing field for abandonment. And that the commitment is to ourselves. Because I have made this commitment to talk about incest and hold true to my values regarding this, in effect I have gone outside the pale of my family / community. Because these things aren't talked about and if they are talked about, they are talked about once and then forgive and forget. I realized after listening to this podcast that I had made a commitment to myself to stand true to my values and my truth, thus I abandoned my mother. I think my dream solidified that, since my mom was dead. Metaphorically, she is dead to me.
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/weeklywisdom/?page=single&category=IATE&episode=10111
September 28, 2018
September 18, 2018
Post #34 - The gift of giving
Post #34 - September 18, 2018
This past Saturday, Sept 15th, I hiked up Mt. Yale. It was a beautiful Indian summer day. Not a cloud in the sky. I never put on gloves, a jacket, a stocking cap or neck gator. Un freakin believable for Sept 15th or almost any day of the year. On the hike up when I was still on the CT, I passed a couple of guys. The 1st guy was older - maybe in his 60s? The 2nd guy was a bit younger and was a stronger hiker, or so it seemed, but he was going slower for the other guy. As I got closer to the 2nd guy, he stepped off of the trail to let me go by. I said thank you and kept going. I tend not to stop and chat with people as I am very goal oriented.....especially early on in a hike. As I went by, he said, didn't we pass you a little bit ago? I said no, it wasn't me. And he said oh...must've been someone else in a white shirt. He had an accent and I'm not sure where he was from. I kept going and the further up the trail I went, the more I wished I had stopped and asked him where he was from. I was sorta beating myself up for being so goal oriented and unwilling to stop for a minute or two to talk to him. I consoled myself that I would be able to ask him when I saw him on Mt. Yale later in the day.
Well, I never saw them again. They may not have had Mt. Yale as their goal....maybe they were doing a CT hike? Not sure. But on the way down when I was back on the CT, I came upon another older gentleman. He was also hiking down. I announced myself and he let me go by. I'm not sure how the conversation started, but I think maybe it was weather related, because it was so darn stellar and beautiful. He asked me what I had done that day and I told him I had been to the top of Yale He asked me where I was from and I asked where he was from...He was from Boulder. He told me that he was in BV with 10 of his college friends, that this was an annual event and had been for over 30 years. He told me he was 73, moved to Boulder after serving in the military. He said the rest of his friends had hiked for awhile, but they wanted to turn around, so he gave his car keys to someone, (they had 2 cars), so they could all drive back to the AirBnB they had rented by Princeton Hot Springs. He asked me if he could get a ride back to BV with me and I said of course. Anyway, we hiked the last mile or so to the TH together. He fell at one point, blooded his shin. I felt bad because he was trying to keep up with me, and I was already going slower than usual. We got to my car, loaded up and headed into BV. He was a super nice guy, married with 3 grown kids. When we got to Hwy 24 and Main in BV, I turned right and headed south to take Hwy 285 back to Denver. When I got close to the intersection, he said you can drop me off here. And I said, how are you going to get to your house? And he said, he would hitchhike. I'm like....oh gosh no. So, I drove him to the house where they all were staying just down the road from the hot springs. I'm sure he would've been fine hitchhiking, but who knows when he would've caught a ride and then how many people were actually driving to the hot springs? It's a ways up the road from Hwy 24. I was happy to take him and he was really appreciative. He was such a nice person - we had a great conversation and when I dropped him off, he said if you are ever in Boulder and need anything, let me know. I know he was sincere. Helping him really made my day. I was grateful for the opportunity to help, as I felt I had missed out on meeting someone earlier that day. Even if it would've been a brief conversation. The need for connection is more prevalent in my life as I mainly work from home. I'm somewhat isolated. I'm glad for this brief encounter with a complete stranger.
I saw an itty bitty bull snake on Green Mountain a couple of weeks ago. Here's it's totem.
http://www.spiritanimal.info/snake-spirit-animal/
This past Saturday, Sept 15th, I hiked up Mt. Yale. It was a beautiful Indian summer day. Not a cloud in the sky. I never put on gloves, a jacket, a stocking cap or neck gator. Un freakin believable for Sept 15th or almost any day of the year. On the hike up when I was still on the CT, I passed a couple of guys. The 1st guy was older - maybe in his 60s? The 2nd guy was a bit younger and was a stronger hiker, or so it seemed, but he was going slower for the other guy. As I got closer to the 2nd guy, he stepped off of the trail to let me go by. I said thank you and kept going. I tend not to stop and chat with people as I am very goal oriented.....especially early on in a hike. As I went by, he said, didn't we pass you a little bit ago? I said no, it wasn't me. And he said oh...must've been someone else in a white shirt. He had an accent and I'm not sure where he was from. I kept going and the further up the trail I went, the more I wished I had stopped and asked him where he was from. I was sorta beating myself up for being so goal oriented and unwilling to stop for a minute or two to talk to him. I consoled myself that I would be able to ask him when I saw him on Mt. Yale later in the day.
Well, I never saw them again. They may not have had Mt. Yale as their goal....maybe they were doing a CT hike? Not sure. But on the way down when I was back on the CT, I came upon another older gentleman. He was also hiking down. I announced myself and he let me go by. I'm not sure how the conversation started, but I think maybe it was weather related, because it was so darn stellar and beautiful. He asked me what I had done that day and I told him I had been to the top of Yale He asked me where I was from and I asked where he was from...He was from Boulder. He told me that he was in BV with 10 of his college friends, that this was an annual event and had been for over 30 years. He told me he was 73, moved to Boulder after serving in the military. He said the rest of his friends had hiked for awhile, but they wanted to turn around, so he gave his car keys to someone, (they had 2 cars), so they could all drive back to the AirBnB they had rented by Princeton Hot Springs. He asked me if he could get a ride back to BV with me and I said of course. Anyway, we hiked the last mile or so to the TH together. He fell at one point, blooded his shin. I felt bad because he was trying to keep up with me, and I was already going slower than usual. We got to my car, loaded up and headed into BV. He was a super nice guy, married with 3 grown kids. When we got to Hwy 24 and Main in BV, I turned right and headed south to take Hwy 285 back to Denver. When I got close to the intersection, he said you can drop me off here. And I said, how are you going to get to your house? And he said, he would hitchhike. I'm like....oh gosh no. So, I drove him to the house where they all were staying just down the road from the hot springs. I'm sure he would've been fine hitchhiking, but who knows when he would've caught a ride and then how many people were actually driving to the hot springs? It's a ways up the road from Hwy 24. I was happy to take him and he was really appreciative. He was such a nice person - we had a great conversation and when I dropped him off, he said if you are ever in Boulder and need anything, let me know. I know he was sincere. Helping him really made my day. I was grateful for the opportunity to help, as I felt I had missed out on meeting someone earlier that day. Even if it would've been a brief conversation. The need for connection is more prevalent in my life as I mainly work from home. I'm somewhat isolated. I'm glad for this brief encounter with a complete stranger.
I saw an itty bitty bull snake on Green Mountain a couple of weeks ago. Here's it's totem.
http://www.spiritanimal.info/snake-spirit-animal/
September 11, 2018
Post #33 - Minimalism
Post #33 - September 11, 2018
Every now and then I get on a kick to get rid of stuff. I call it purging. I go through my house and put piles of stuff that I don't use, clothes I don't wear, whatever, into my car and to Goodwill I go. Now is another one of those times. This time, I'm getting rid of things that I not only don't use, but that don't have value to me or remind me of something negative when I think about it or look at it. So, things from ex-boyfriends, wedding gifts, etc are on their way to the closest Arc Thrift Store (my close by Goodwill store is being renovated). I've already taken one load - some of this stuff I've had since I moved to Denver over 30 years ago and probably never used! Seriously? A lot of stuff from family is going...no need to keep stuff I don't value from people who don't value me. I think I could and would be very happy with hardly any possessions. The things I do value are my running shoes, bikes, athletic gear, hiking poles, packs, etc. I also have quite a few books and journals that I wouldn't part with and my pillow! I am also considering selling my house and renting a room somewhere. I feel tied down - I'm not sure home ownership is all it's cracked up to be.
I've listened to a few podcasts from these two guys:
https://www.theminimalists.com/
P.S. What a shit ass day 9/11 is.
Every now and then I get on a kick to get rid of stuff. I call it purging. I go through my house and put piles of stuff that I don't use, clothes I don't wear, whatever, into my car and to Goodwill I go. Now is another one of those times. This time, I'm getting rid of things that I not only don't use, but that don't have value to me or remind me of something negative when I think about it or look at it. So, things from ex-boyfriends, wedding gifts, etc are on their way to the closest Arc Thrift Store (my close by Goodwill store is being renovated). I've already taken one load - some of this stuff I've had since I moved to Denver over 30 years ago and probably never used! Seriously? A lot of stuff from family is going...no need to keep stuff I don't value from people who don't value me. I think I could and would be very happy with hardly any possessions. The things I do value are my running shoes, bikes, athletic gear, hiking poles, packs, etc. I also have quite a few books and journals that I wouldn't part with and my pillow! I am also considering selling my house and renting a room somewhere. I feel tied down - I'm not sure home ownership is all it's cracked up to be.
I've listened to a few podcasts from these two guys:
https://www.theminimalists.com/
P.S. What a shit ass day 9/11 is.
September 4, 2018
Post #32 - Huh?
Post #32 - September 4, 2018
I met Jody (not her real name) a few months ago. She's a massage therapist and myofascial release therapist (MFR) in Castle Rock. She's also an ultra runner. When I met her earlier this year, she was training for LT100. She had DNF'd last year. I saw her a few times for massage and we have run and hiked together. I'm not sure when I will learn this lesson, but I always think people are self-aware. Especially if they do body work. Over the time Jody and I have known each other, she has shared personal information with me. I am pretty open about the fact that I was incested, so that seems to open people up. Last weekend, we planned to hike Pikes Peak via the NW route. I drove to her house in Castle Rock and we drove to the TH together. There have been so many inconsistencies in what she says. Before LT100 this year, she told me this was the last time she was going to run the race, whether she finished or not. When she dropped out (actually she missed the cutoff anyway) at Winfield, she was already talking about next year and whether maybe she should get a coach. Then last weekend, when we were hiking Pikes Peak, she said the LT100 organizers offered her free coaching, because she's over 60 and they want a female over 60 to finish. She told me she wasn't going to take them up on it, as she wanted to do it on her own. Huh? Then she was telling me that she has been doing back-to-back massage lately....finishing around 9:00 at night. She's married and her marriage isn't very good. She was complaining about how her husband came home Friday after work and went straight to his room (they sleep in separate rooms) and had the door shut. She was saying that most married couples enjoy time together especially on Friday evenings. So here she is, working until 9 or so each night and then complaining because he goes to his room and is listening to Youtube. No double standard here? He comes home at 5:30 or 6:00 every night and she's working, but now since it's Friday night, things should be different? Huh? She has been bitching about him for months to me. I asked her on the drive home, what she would be doing and thinking about if she wasn't complaining about him. She seemed to understand the question briefly, and then went back complaining about him. I asked her how long the relationship had been the way it is and she said since 2000.....so EIGHTEEN YEARS! WTF??? I asked her to think about her future self - 5 years from now. Looking back to today, would she want to be in the same place? What would she want to be different. Then I said...how about a week from now, a month, a year? After thinking about our conversation more, I'm not sure he's the one to blame. I've found I can't trust what she says....she doesn't have facts straight (in regards to other things....not her marriage). It takes 2 to tango and he's probably tired of her crap as well. I listened to a really good podcast from Sounds True. Tami Simon interviewed Terry Real, a marriage and family therapist. Really good stuff. Here's the link (which I sent to Jody as well). He talks about operating from your adult self.
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/weeklywisdom?page=single&category=IATE&episode=13417
In some respects, I like Jody, however, the constant bitching, when she's not willing to make any changes (like fucking leave) is not what I want to be around. I tend to have empathy for awhile. Then if no changes are made, then I don't want to hear it anymore. I always say, people come into our lives for a reason, so I'm curious as to why she has come into my life.
I met Jody (not her real name) a few months ago. She's a massage therapist and myofascial release therapist (MFR) in Castle Rock. She's also an ultra runner. When I met her earlier this year, she was training for LT100. She had DNF'd last year. I saw her a few times for massage and we have run and hiked together. I'm not sure when I will learn this lesson, but I always think people are self-aware. Especially if they do body work. Over the time Jody and I have known each other, she has shared personal information with me. I am pretty open about the fact that I was incested, so that seems to open people up. Last weekend, we planned to hike Pikes Peak via the NW route. I drove to her house in Castle Rock and we drove to the TH together. There have been so many inconsistencies in what she says. Before LT100 this year, she told me this was the last time she was going to run the race, whether she finished or not. When she dropped out (actually she missed the cutoff anyway) at Winfield, she was already talking about next year and whether maybe she should get a coach. Then last weekend, when we were hiking Pikes Peak, she said the LT100 organizers offered her free coaching, because she's over 60 and they want a female over 60 to finish. She told me she wasn't going to take them up on it, as she wanted to do it on her own. Huh? Then she was telling me that she has been doing back-to-back massage lately....finishing around 9:00 at night. She's married and her marriage isn't very good. She was complaining about how her husband came home Friday after work and went straight to his room (they sleep in separate rooms) and had the door shut. She was saying that most married couples enjoy time together especially on Friday evenings. So here she is, working until 9 or so each night and then complaining because he goes to his room and is listening to Youtube. No double standard here? He comes home at 5:30 or 6:00 every night and she's working, but now since it's Friday night, things should be different? Huh? She has been bitching about him for months to me. I asked her on the drive home, what she would be doing and thinking about if she wasn't complaining about him. She seemed to understand the question briefly, and then went back complaining about him. I asked her how long the relationship had been the way it is and she said since 2000.....so EIGHTEEN YEARS! WTF??? I asked her to think about her future self - 5 years from now. Looking back to today, would she want to be in the same place? What would she want to be different. Then I said...how about a week from now, a month, a year? After thinking about our conversation more, I'm not sure he's the one to blame. I've found I can't trust what she says....she doesn't have facts straight (in regards to other things....not her marriage). It takes 2 to tango and he's probably tired of her crap as well. I listened to a really good podcast from Sounds True. Tami Simon interviewed Terry Real, a marriage and family therapist. Really good stuff. Here's the link (which I sent to Jody as well). He talks about operating from your adult self.
https://www.soundstrue.com/store/weeklywisdom?page=single&category=IATE&episode=13417
In some respects, I like Jody, however, the constant bitching, when she's not willing to make any changes (like fucking leave) is not what I want to be around. I tend to have empathy for awhile. Then if no changes are made, then I don't want to hear it anymore. I always say, people come into our lives for a reason, so I'm curious as to why she has come into my life.
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