Post #3 - One way I coped.

Post #3 - Tuesday, 10/11/2016

One way I coped with the angst of my childhood was to become very religious.  Because I was raised in a conservative Christian home, I became the good little girl who never got into trouble.  I was 'born again' in my teens, studied the bible, listened to Christian music and took bible classes.  Looking back, that was a way to cope with the stuff going on with me - a survival mechanism.  Additionally, I think it was a way for me to try to connect to my mother.  Because she was Christian, I think I thought this would be a good way for us to connect.  Didn't happen.  She was emotionally unavailable - I received no physical affection from her.  I remember trying to get a hug from her when I was very young and she said 'Don't hang on me.'  That was the end of me trying to get hugs/affection from her, although I never stopped yearning for it.  I didn't hear the words 'I love you' from her until I left for college at age 18.  I cried for miles and miles as I drove.  I was very obedient growing up...didn't/couldn't talk back to my parents or I would've been grounded, whipped or spanked.  Children were to be seen and not heard in the house I grew-up in.  I got a lot of grief from my classmates in high school for being so goody-goody.  One day I opened my locker at school and someone had put pornographic photos in it.  There were also photos in my car when I got in it to drive home after school (by the way, I'm pretty sure I know who did that). I was mortified and offended.  I can chuckle about that now, but really it was a hurtful thing to do.  I didn't party, didn't have sex....I couldn't (or didn't think I should/could...didn't really even think about it) be a normal rebellious teenager.  I  have no idea what my mother would've done to me had I done those terrible things!  I remember the night before my 16th birthday I came in one minute after my curfew and I was grounded on my birthday.  The rules were extremely strict and if I didn't follow them, there was hell to pay.  I was very Christian until my early 30's.  I went to a conservative Christian college in Kansas (Tabor College).   I dated only Christian men.  At the age of 30, I met a dashing South African, Bruno, who was Mormon.  There was no way I was going to marry a Mormon as that was a cult and they weren't REALLY Christian.  We started going out and I told him I would never marry him if he was Mormon.  I read all kinds of books about Mormonism and of course, prayed a lot for Bruno - had to save his soul, ya know.  My mother didn't want me to even read about Mormonism, let alone date him.  She's always had a 'thing' about things she considers 'evil.'  Psychology & yoga were also something that was evil (yoga, really?).  Even tho she always expected me to go to college, there were some things a person shouldn't study.  One day, Bruno told me he didn't believe in Mormonism anymore.  He threw away his Book of Mormon and his garments.  I was flabbergasted.  He had been a Mormon missionary!  (more about him in a later post).  As you can see, I was very dedicated to the Christian way of life.  A few years later, the Christian way wasn't working for me anymore.  The judgmental & critical nature of Christians didn't fit who I wanted to be.  I felt there should be more freedom and more acceptance of people who didn't necessarily believe that way.  There was so much right/wrong, black/white, good/bad, heaven/hell.  Too many taboo subjects.  I've always felt anything and everything can and should be talked about.  Not sure when, but I stopped going to church altogether.  A few years later, a friend of mine invited me to attend Mile Hi Church in Lakewood.  It's a Science of Mind & Spirit church.  I went there for probably 2 years before I 'got' it.  Because I had been raised and had believed in Christian theology/dogma for so long, it didn't seem like they believed anything!  There didn't seem to be concrete beliefs.   What I love about that church is they are open to having anyone attend.  You can be Catholic, Buddhist, Christian, Atheist, straight, gay, black, white, doesn't even matter.  Most of my family are still Christian.....mostly my mother's side.  Of course, forgiveness is a big deal for Christians, so that's what I'm supposed to do, because if you don't forgive you're going to hell (more on forgiveness later).   Another one of those Christian beliefs I don't buy anymore.  If I don't believe in heaven & hell, then threats don't carry much weight, do they?   It has taken me years to 'undo' the judgmental/critical nature of Christianity.  I didn't like that aspect of myself and that's one reason I stopped believing in it.  I still sometimes jump to judgment, but it has less of a hold on me.  Being judgmental & critical keeps people at arm's length and basically is saying that 'I'm better than you.'  Life is so much easier for me now that I don't have to judge everyone all of the time!    It's much easier to accept people's differences in belief, etc - less brain damage!  Although, I have to say, I don't accept what my mom believes.....it's too close and has been too damaging.  Maybe someday I'll get there.