Post #4 - Setting Boundaries.

Post #4 - Wednesday, 10/12/2016

Over the years, I've had to learn to set boundaries with my parents, friends, significant others and work colleagues.  This has NOT been easy.  There were no boundaries for me growing up, obviously, if my uncle could torment me and my brother abuse me.  I was an extension of my parents...not a separate entity that could voice her opinions, wants, desires or needs.   I remember after I graduated from college I moved to Lakewood because I had an accounting job at a trucking company.  I lived by myself in an apartment and was financially independent.  Not long after I got this job, I bought a car.  It was a blue Ford Tempo.  I was so freakin' proud that I was financially able, in my early 20's, to buy a car.  One weekend, my boyfriend, Ralph (another god damn story), and I went over to Taylor Park/Reservoir (west side of Cottonwood Pass) as my parents, brother (don't know who all actually) was going to be there.  Now mind you, this was before I confronted my brother, however, I do think I may have been currently in therapy.  Anyway, we were staying in cabins there and I got up in the morning and looked outside and my car was gone!  I was shocked and pissed.  I asked where it was and my brother and my dad had taken it to a town somewhere to buy a part for one of their vehicles that had broken down.  WTF???  They hadn't asked me, they just fucking took it.  I don't know how they got the keys...they must've gotten them out of my purse (another personal violation).  When I mentioned it, my mom defended my dad & brother (of course) and so did the asshole I was dating, Ralph.  Both of them acted like I was the one that was out of line for even being upset about this.  Once again, my voice was silenced and not only silenced, but I was 'wrong' to even mention it. And once again, I had no choice in what happened to me.  This still boggles my mind when I think about it.  A few years later (I was 31 or 32 yrs old), I was married (to Bruno) and he and I were going out for an evening and my mom & dad were staying with us. We were living in a 1 bedroom apartment, so I have no idea why they were staying with us.  I don't remember the particulars, except my parents are cheap.  I had confronted my brother by this time and had started to verbalize boundaries to my parents.  I told them they were going to have to sleep in the living room.  So, when Bruno and I got home, guess what?  My parents were in our bed.  Once again....WTF??   It makes my skin crawl to think about that still.  My dad always slept only in his underwear, he was fat & disgusting and he had been in my bed. Ick!  Completely disrespectful.  I told them to get out and I changed the sheets. Who the hell does that?  Jesus Christ....remember...I was in my 30's and they STILL acted as if they 'owned' me!!!!
A few years ago my mom was sending text message to my brother, my sister and I as a group. Hence, if my brother replied I got a message from him, which I didn't want.  So, I told my mother to stop including me on group text messages with him.  She stopped until a couple of months ago.  In early August 2016 (or it could've been in late July), she sent an email to the 3 of us.  I guess, technically, an email isn't a text message, but wouldn't you think she'd apply the concept that I don't want to be included on correspondence with my brother to all forms of communication?  Guess not.  Anyway, in her email she said that since she was going to be turning 80 in November, that she wanted to send the three of us 'thumbs up' text messages EVERY morning, so that we would know she was ok.  She lives alone on a farm about 10 miles from town, so it could be a day or two before someone would know something was wrong if something happened to her.  So, she sends this email and my brother and sister both replied to all (so, once again I get a message from my brother).  I didn't reply until the next morning and I told her I didn't want to be included on daily text messages (I really don't want her in my face early every morning.  I don't like her THAT much.) and I once again, requested that she not include me in group text messages/emails with my brother.  I told her I had asked her not to do that in the past.  Well, she didn't get my email to her until after she sent her 'thumbs up' group text that morning, so within less than 24 hrs, I was included in an email and a text that included my brother.  It seems she 'forgets' my requests. 
Events like the ones above that are repeated in different circumstances over a long number of years, can tend to cause a person to feel crazy.  I know inside what doesn't seem right or feel right, yet I question myself a lot because my perceptions, opinions, etc were never validated.  Not only was I not validated, but I was basically told I was wrong to even think that way.  As children, we aren't able to know that our parents are full of shit.  Parents are 'supposed' to have our back, do what's best for us, protect us, validate us, love and affirm us.  When that doesn't happen AND there's sexual & emotional abuse, it's very confusing for a child.  I have learned over the years to trust my gut...there's an internal 'knowing' that never lets me down.