So, I'm starting this blog because I feel the need to share what's going on in my life.  I've been journaling for a # of years and feel it's good to put 'pen' to 'paper.'  I've decided, tho, that I want my thoughts to be more public.  So, I'll start from the beginning (sort of).  I am a survivor of incest and anorexia.  I didn't have much of a voice as a kid.  There was very little affection from my parents and no 'I love you.'  I look at pictures of myself when I was a little girl and I wonder how on earth a parent couldn't just snuggle the heck out of me.  Aren't all kids worthy and deserving of snuggling and affection?  Feeling I had no control over my life (and I really didn't), I controlled what I could, which was what I didn't eat!  I started this when I was a sophomore in high school.  I went from 120 lbs (I'm 5'5" and 120 was/is a good weight for me) to 97 lbs and I maintained that weight until I was a sophomore in college.  It was a daily battle to not eat!  The summer between my sophomore and junior year of college, I decided I was tired of not eating and that I wanted to live, so I started eating and over the course of a few short months I gained over 60 lbs!  I weighed 165 for a few years.  I moved to Denver after college and was still battling the eating issues.  I went to see a therapist, even though I knew this was against what my parents believed in.  You see, my parents, mom especially, are very conservative Christian and psychology/psychiatrists are of the devil!  After a year or so of therapy, I started having 'realizations & memories.'  I decided to ask my therapist if it was 'normal' for brothers to pet and have sexual relations with their sisters?    She, of course, said no and thus the healing for that began.  Ever since, I have had more memories.  The incest occured over the course of a few years in various places.  My bedroom, his bedroom, the camper while on family vacations.  (ugh....it makes my stomach sick as I write this).   Even though, I wasn't formally educated about the birds and the bees (I was given a book to read!  Lovely), I knew (or at least I thought it to be true) that I couldn't get pregnant if I hadn't started my periods yet.  Incidentally, I didn't start my periods until I was 16 yrs old (after my brother had graduated and moved out of the house).  So, even though deep down, I knew that what my brother was doing to me was wrong, how on earth could I tell my mother or my dad?  I couldn't talk to them about anything.  And would they believe me?  I think not (this proved true a few years later).   How could I tarnish our perfect Christian family image?  I so wanted to ask my best girlfriend as she had 2 older brothers, but I could never get the nerve to ask her.  I was afraid of what I might hear and afraid of any repercussions.   During the last 2 years of high school, I was miserable.  My parents decided to get an exchange student from Japan when I was a Sr.  She was a Jr., so I was supposed to be her 'friend' and companion that year.  The problem was, I could hardly take care of myself.  I wasn't eating and I was battling all kinds of demons, including being a good Christian girl, which included being nice and happy all of the time.  I had to be happy, right....isn't that what Christians were supposed to be?  Happy and good?  I had been 'born again' (I had to have something to cling to and Christianity was the only thing acceptable as I couldn't rock the boat!), so all of the rights/wrongs, blacks/whites, etc of that religion were racking me with guilt.  Plus, there was the constant criticism and judgementalism of my mother (not necessarily directed at me, but at everyone else.)  That's how she survived (and still does) and maintains her sense of self-righteousness.  After high school, I went to a Christian college and I was very studious.   I battled the eating issues the whole time I was there...going from super skinny to over weight.  No one ever tried to help me.  It was the early 80's and I think people just didn't know what to do.  I remember not long after being anorexic, I stopped menstruating and it scared me.  I finally got up the courage to tell my mom and the first thing she said was: 'Are you pregnant?'  I was sooo pissed.  That just goes to show how little she knew me as a person....her very own daughter! People just told me to eat more.  Duh...it's not that f'n easy.  There was never any kind of relationship that had any substance with my mother.  There still isn't.  If I bring up a subject she doesn't want to discuss, she just stops talking.  There are certain things that just shouldn't be talked about.  I have never understood that.  They are just words.  I've always maintained that anything can be talked about.  When I was 28 yrs old, I decided to confront my brother.  I knew this could be a risk, however, I just couldn't keep this inside me anymore.  I had told my mother about the incest when I had gone home a few months earlier and she was all supportive and told me I should 'let him have it!'  So, I went to my parents house and had asked my brother to be there (my parents were there as well).  I had it all written out and of course, he denied it all.  What was worse though, was my mother said 'I believe both of you.'  Huh?    How on earth can you believe me when I say he incested me and believe him when he says he didn't?  WTF?  I was devestated.  My mother had told me she believed me just a few months prior and now she was  being an f'n wimp.  I started crying and she wanted me to stay for lunch.  Another WTF?  She is such a f'n moron.  I drove home (back to Denver - 2/1/2 hrs) and cried the whole way.  In hindsight, I shouldn't have driven a vehicle. I was so distraught.  After that, my relationship with my mother (and my parents in general) went downhill.  I lost most of my respect for them.  I stopped buying them birthday cards, mother's & father's day cards, presents, etc.  I still don't. I may send a free internet card, but I don't spend any money on them.  For a few years, I didn't see my parents at all and I absolutely HATE the holidays.  What a freakin' joke....a time you're supposed to 'want' to be with your family and everything is 'supposed' to be good.  ugh.  I haven't spent the holidays with my parents in a few years.  Just can't do it.  I refuse to pretend everything is okay.