So, to continue...where I am today with this is....I want to let this all go.  I want to stop blaming my parents (especially my mother).  I want to do this from a purely selfish point of view.  I want to be free.  I could care less the affect it has on my mother.  My problem is....I want to let go, yet I don't want to let her/them off the hook.  I don't want my parents to think it's okay, nor do I want to be around them.  Does true forgiveness mean I have to be friendly?  Do I have to talk to them on the phone?  Do I have to reply to e-mails?  Do I now have to spend Christmas with them?  When the perpetrator is a family member and the parents are really to blame, how does one reconcile this?  I can be around my brother easier than I can be around my mother.  He grew-up in the same environment I did....stifling, controlling, no communication, no affection, critical, judgemental, etc.  I remember when I was very young....5 yrs old or younger, I was wanting a hug from my mother.  So, I wrapped my arms around her...she was standing in the kitchen.  Her response was:  'Don't hang on me.'  Looking back, I think she was miserable as well.  My dad is and was chauvinistic and a bigot.  I grew-up not liking my dad for the way he treated my mother.  The song 'He thinks He'll Keep Her' sung by Mary Chapin Carpenter was a song that I remember from my childhood.  My Dad would say 'I think I'll keep her' in re: to my mother.  Here's a Youtube video of the song. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_jItFHLu3o

I can remember being in elementary school and wishing my mother would leave my dad.  I don't have concrete memories of things that were said and there wasn't any physical or substance (we were Christian, you know...so alcohol was forbidden) abuse (that I know of).  There was just an insidious undertone that wasn't healthy.   I think my parents both had unhealthy parents and childhoods, however, I don't think this is a reason or an excuse to continue this type of behavior and thinking. 

So, as I mentioned above, I want to let all of this go as it is keeping me trapped mentally, physically (I have physical pain that I believe is related) and emotionally.  I feel I am stuck in this pattern and need to re-program my mind, so I can be free to be more alive, happy and creative.  Hence, this blog.  I don't know if anyone will see it, however, if someone does, I'd appreciate any constructive advice on letting this sort of thing go.  I was reading this morning and forgiving someone is releasing a debt.  There's nothing anyone can do to change what happened.  My mom can't change the way she parented me, she can't go back and protect me, she can't go back and change her response the day I confronted my brother.  There's really nothing she can do or say that will 'fix' anything.   I have solid, firm boundaries between me and my parents (due to not being able to trust that they will have my best interests at heart), which seems to keep reconciliation at bay.  What does reconciliation look like?  I want to let go of the anger (which I also think is causing physical issues).  On the other hand, if I let all of this go, what will I have?   Like I said, I don't want to let my parents off the hook.  It seems if I let this go, that's what I'm doing.  I consider myself a survivor and not a victim, however, staying with the anger is keeping me a victim (it is very hard to admit that and write it).  ugh.