Holiday angst....

It's Nov 17, 2013 and as in year's past, the holidays bring stress and angst for me.  The thought of getting together with family and pretending all is happy and 'normal' is too much for me to handle.  Recently, I have decided to write my story as I remember it.  I have attended a speaker's bureau at the Eating Disorder Foundation to hopefully, give presentations to children and young adults on eating disorders.  I have also contacted the WINGS Foundation regarding a writing workshop they offer.  This workshop doesn't start again until next year, yet I don't feel I can wait, so I will begin here today.  I received an e-mail from my aunt, my mom's youngest sister, inviting me to their home for Thanksgiving.  Each year, I think this may be the year, I will want to be around family during the holidays.  That time hasn't come yet.  I re-read part of Marilyn Van Derbur's book 'Miss America by Day' the past couple of days and I've realized that I need to let more people know about my childhood.  And I don't want to be in disguise.  This is Carol Gerber's life story.  This may be a bit disjointed as I will be typing as stories/memories come to me.
One memory that came to me (again) this afternoon, was when I was a little girl (probably under school age) and many times I would have difficulty putting my head on my pillow when it was time to go to bed as I saw 'bees' on my pillow and I knew if I put my head on my pillow, they would sting me.  I was terrified.  My mother would reassure me and somehow convince me to lay down.  I wonder what that means....to have 'bees' on your pillow?
Another memory I have was around this same age....I would cringe when I had to take a bath as my private area would hurt badly when I sat down in the bath water.  I never mentioned it to my mother, who was helping me take a bath, as somehow I 'knew' I couldn't say anything and that having this pain wasn't normal.  It wasn't until years later, that I realized a female could sit in a bath full of hot water and not have that part of her body scream in pain.
I'm not exactly sure when the incest by my brother, Ed, started.  He is 4 years older than me.  I do know it went on for a number of years and in different locations.  Most often it was in his bed.  We each had bedrooms upstairs of our farm house in eastern Colorado.  I know he touched me with his hands, rubbed my pubic area with the palm of his hand and also touched the glands in the pubic area.  I remember he did this when we went on family vacations.  My parents had a Ford pickup and they put a camper on top.  My brother and I would ride up in the camper...looking out the window as we drove down the road.  The incest occurred in the camper.  I remember my sister, who is 8 1/2 yrs younger than me wanting to ride in the cab of the pickup with my parents.  I did as well, however, I didn't ask to as I didn't want to be asked why I didn't want to ride in the camper.  Now, I wonder why my sister didn't want to ride in the camper with us, the kids?
I remember thinking as the incest went on that I thought I was safe from getting pregnant as I hadn't started my period yet.  I didn't start my period until I was 16 and my brother was gone from the house by then.  Also, at the age of 16, I decided I was overweight (at 5'5", 120 lbs), so I started to eat less.  I remember walking past a glass door in high school and looking at the reflection of me and thinking my butt looked too big.  That was the start of a 4 year ordeal of anorexia.  I weighed 97 lbs for a very long time.  The summer between my sophomore and Jr. year of college, I was living with my aunt and uncle in Fountain, CO.  I decided I was tired of not eating and in the course of that summer, I gained over 65 lbs.  I was miserable from being 'fat,' but man it felt good to eat.  I went from one extreme to the other to try to keep 'memories' from surfacing.
Our family was friends with another family from church and they had two boys and one girl.  The girl was a year younger than me in school.  She and I were good friends and did alot together.  I remember wanting to ask her if her brothers (both older) did things to her like my brother did to me.  I never found the courage to ask her, as I was afraid she would say 'no' and then what would I do?  I never felt that telling my mother was an option as I knew she wouldn't protect me or even believe me.  I knew this from years of 'conditioning' by her.  When I was really young.....under school age, she would take me to the farm sale barn on sale day for lunch sometimes.  I would order mashed potatoes and gravy and a Hershey's chocolate bar.  An uncle, on my Dad's side would come and and take my chocolate bar and not give it back to me until I cried.   This happened over and over and over and my mother did nothing to protect me.  So, I knew from a very young age that my mother was incapable of protecting me from abuse.
Another memory I have is going into the kitchen while my mom was preparing dinner (supper) and I'd try to give her a hug and she would say 'Don't hang on me.'  When my brother and I got in trouble (as kids do), she would often say how ashamed of us she was.  She also used the words 'I could skin you.'  That terrified me.  I have always been a very visual person and the thought of being 'skinned' was terrifying.
One reason, I want to write this blog is I feel I have never had a voice.  I certainly didn't as a kid and at the age of 50, I still feel that way.  I remember not being able to contradict my parents. There is one exception that I recall.  My dad was (and still is, I believe) racist.  One night at dinner he was telling some story about black people (or person) (I don't remember the details) and he was generalizing that all black people were like this person.  I told him that there was 'white trash' as well.  He didn't like that at all.  Basically tho, my dad was a non-entity for me.  I didn't respect him as he had no discipline, especially regarding food (he still doesn't) and was/is over weight.  The desserts he ate were enough for 3 people.
I remember feeling very alone when I was in high school as I couldn't tell anyone what was going on.  Religion was my coping mechanism.  We went to a United Methodist church and my parents (I should say my Mom was very Christian...my dad didn't go to church often) were very conservative Christian, so to cope and be accepted, I became very conservative Christian as well.  I even went to a Mennonite Brethren college in Kansas for 4 years.
I was soo goody two shoes, that my high school classmates put pornography pictures in my locker and on the sun visor of my car one day.  I was appalled and wouldn't open my locker.  I couldn't look at the photos as I was so rigid.  The principal of the school took the photos down for me.  I remember feeling humiliated by him as well.  I don't know what he said...I just know I wasn't 'supported' by him that day.  This was in the late 70's early 80's and no one really knew what an eating disorder was.
Not long after I started my period, I lost so much weight (I think my lowest weight was 97 lbs) and I stopped menstruating.  I got concerned and finally got the courage to tell my mother.  The first words out of her mouth were "Are you pregnant?"  I was devastated and very hurt.  If my mother had known me as a person and as her daughter (which she never did and has never tried), she would've known I wasn't having sex.  I was a devout Christian and a really 'good' girl (trying to gain my parents' acceptance and approval).  She took me to a gynocologist in Denver who told us that I stopped menstruating because I was too thin,  He suggested I eat more.  Like I said....people didn't know what an eating disorder was then and I received no help.  My mother would just tell me to eat, which is the last thing an anorexic wants to hear.  Alot of women who have been sexually abused develop eating disorders (and/or have other destructive behaviors, like cutting themselves, acting out sexually, alcohol and drug addictions, etc and suicide). 
During my senior year of high school, my parents decided to have an exchange student come to live with us.  She was from Japan.  I was having enough trouble trying to 'survive' in that house and now I had to 'take care' of someone else?  I was supposed to be happy she was there and was supposed to drive her to school and wait until she was finished with basketball practice and drive her home. I was also to help her with school work and 'want' to get to know her as a person.  I really don't know what her experience was like living on a farm in eastern CO, but I felt extreme guilt (from being the good Christian girl that I was) for not having the capacity to be a good 'sister' to her.  I just didn't have it in me to give anymore of myself.  Like I said, I was trying to survive the family life I had, as I had my own demons and was battling an eating disorder and the isolation that comes with that.
After I graduated from college I moved to Lakewood, because I had gotten a job.  I rented an apartment and in a few months, I purchased a car.  I was so excited.  I was dating a guy at the time and he and I drove my new car over to Taylor reservoir to camp with my parents.  My brother was also there....I don't remember who else.  I think it was my dad's pickup that had a mechanical issue and they needed to drive into town to buy a part for it.  I woke-up the next morning and my new car was gone.  Someone (I don't know who) had taken the keys (from me somehow in the night) and without my permission drove my new car into town to buy the part.  I was livid.  There weren't any boundaries (obviously) in our family.   My parents don't ask for my opinion or permission.  There's no respect and I have never felt like I could honestly state my desires, thoughts, opinions and requests and be taken seriously and honored.