Part of my Incest Story
My brother, Ed, is 4 years older than me. I'm not sure when it started, but it ended when he left for college. We had bedrooms upstairs in the house I grew-up in, which was on a farm 10 miles from town. There wasn’t any affection, physical or verbal, by my parents as I grew-up. The 1st time I heard 'I love you' from my mother was when I left for college at age 18. I cried for many miles of that long drive. I was raised in a very conservative Christian family, where the rules were: ‘children should be seen and not heard.’ I don’t know how many times my mother told me that if someone teased me it was because they liked me. She would take me to a restaurant in town occasionally when I was 3 or 4 and I always ordered a Hershey’s candy bar along with mashed potatoes and gravy. My uncle, who was really my great uncle on my Dad’s side, would come in and take my candy bar and not give it back to me until I cried. My mother did nothing. I knew from a very young age that my mother wouldn’t protect me. I didn’t have a voice for many, many years because I was raised that children are to honor their parents and disobeying in my family brought harsh punishment.
There are a lot of details of the incest that I don't remember, however, I always knew that it happened. I never blocked it out. I do know he not only incested me at home, but also in our pick-up camper while on family vacations. We had a camper that goes in the bed of a pick-up and he and I rode up there. I remember on one particular occasion, my sister who is 8 1/2 yrs younger than me, wanted to ride in the cab with my parents. I didn't want to ride in the camper with my brother by myself, but I thought if I said I wanted to ride in the cab, it would arouse suspicion and I'd be asked why. I was afraid that if I was asked why, then I would need to tell the truth (I couldn’t lie due to my Christian upbringing and my parents’ rules) and I knew I wouldn’t be supported or believed by mom or dad. Then what would I do? I’d be in a camper (an enclosed place) on vacation with people who didn’t believe me. I’m not exactly sure how old I was, but I believe I was probably around 12. How does a 12 year old comes to terms with that? Somehow, I determined it was safer to ride in the camper with my brother, even with the possibility of incest, than to tell my parents the real reason I didn’t want to ride in the camper with Ed. I think I knew the lack of emotional support and physical protection from my parents would harm me far more, so I rode in the camper. Growing up, I had a good friend who was a year younger than I and I remember wanting to ask her if her two older brothers did things to her, but I never had the courage. What if she said 'no'?
At age 16, I became anorexic (a common reaction to people who have been incested) and was anorexic until my sophomore year in college. Anorexia is not only about control (which I felt I had none of as a kid), but it's also a way to slowly kill yourself. Unbeknownst to me at the time, I wanted to die.
After I graduated from college I moved to Denver and started seeing a therapist to try to get my eating disorder under control. By that time, I was overweight and eating everything I hadn't eaten the 4 years I was anorexic. After a year of therapy, one day I got up the nerve to ask my therapist if it was normal for older brothers to use their sisters sexually? My thereapist replied 'no.' Then she said she had been waiting for a long time for me to bring it up. She knew I was abused, by what I had told her that prior year. Thus began my incest therapy.
At age 28, I decided my brother needed to be confronted as I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I told my Mom (to be sure I had her support) in November. That took more courage than I ever thought I had. She said she believed me and supported me and that I should 'Let him have it.' So a few months later, I drove from Denver to my parents house in Eastern CO and asked my brother to meet me there. My parents were there for my support. I have no idea how I got the courage to confront him. I think I just had to get it out. I had it all written out and I read it to him. I knew the possibility was high that he would deny it, which he did. I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was my mother’s response. She said, 'I believe you both.' That day was the best and worst day of my life to that point in time. My secret was out, but once again I was betrayed and not protected by my mother. I told her there was no way she could believe us both. I couldn't believe it. She’s so emotionally unavailable that she even asked me to stay for lunch. I ran out of the house and drove back to Denver (2 1/2 hrs), crying the whole way. I have never had a great relationship with my mother. That day confirmed for me that I would always have to be on guard and protect myself emotionally from her forever.
Since then, I haven't spent a whole lot of time with my family. The holidays are the worst. Starting in early November and until after Christmas, I get really stressed, often depressed and feel guilty for not 'wanting' to be around my family that time of year (the whole Christian guilt thing). I usually don't spend the holidays with my family. I'd rather be alone than pretending all is fine by being with them.
Just in the last few months, I have decided to start talking to my mother about things that I do, movies I see, my spiritual beliefs, etc. I'm tired of the superficial relationship where the main topic of conversation is the weather. So, I tell her things even though I know she won't & doesn't approve (due to her right-wing, conservative Christian beliefs). Just this past month, I told my cousin, the 1st non-immediate family member I've told about the incest. Her daughter, now 26, was also incested. I sent an e-mail to my mom telling her that I had told my cousin and that she had fully supported & believed her daughter when she found out. What's even more amazing and commendable is that the perpertrators family also believed and supported her. My mom replied that she and Dad do believe and support me. It took me over a week to reply as I needed time to decide how blunt I wanted to be and since I've decided not to hold much back I told her that saying 'I believe you both' is not supportive of me. I told her that you can't believe us both - we are saying entirely the opposite. I told her she had betrayed me that day 23 years ago and I said that Dad has never said one word to me regarding the incest. Hardly what I call supportive. I did tell my mom that I forgive her and Dad and that there were boundaries, opinions and feelings that I expect to be respected. Forgiveness, for me, doesn't mean I want to be around them any more than I am now, nor does it mean I'll keep my mouth shut.
Just like confronting my brother 23 years ago was a huge step in my healing, telling my parents I forgive them has also been a huge step in my healing. I’m not exactly sure what forgiveness looks like, however, I do know that I am more at peace with my relationship with my parents, in particular, my mother. I talked to her on the phone the other day and it was still the same superficial conversation, yet when I hung-up, I was ok. I wasn’t angry at her. I wasn’t beating myself up for things I wish I had said. I know at this point, she is incapable of changing and I think I’ve come to terms with that. I will never get the support from her that I needed as a child, when I was 28 yrs old or now.
I recently read Melody Beattie’s book ‘The Grief Club’ and I want to close with this from the chapter titled Ex-Changes: Making peace with the past.
"I’m more comfortable in my body. My no’s are quiet, but have more power. My yes’s do too. I speak my truth because I trust who I am. More quickly and easily, I make peace with what is. Toxic guilt is the worst feeling there is. It’s hard to feel your way through it. But I’m learning to accept forgiveness and to forgive others and myself. Forgiveness isn’t a one-time deal. The need to make peace is ongoing. I’m no longer surviving. I’m present for myself, others, this moment. I’m thriving. I like who and how I am. Life isn’t black and white, good or bad, right or wrong. It’s not either/or. It’s both at the same time. Life is what it is." Pages 306-307
Thank you to the WINGS foundation and our group facilitators, Erin & Lyndsey, for this ‘Speak Out’ process and the opportunity to share here this evening. I also want to thank the other women in this group. They are so strong. I thank all of you for listening. I have plans to tell more family, aunts, uncles & cousins in the coming months.
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