Post #10 - On Forgiveness

Post #10 - October 26, 2016

A lot of people say a person has to forgive to move on from trauma or that you can't be truly happy or free unless you forgive.  I struggle a lot with forgiveness.  What exactly does that look like?  What do my actions look like if I say I've forgiven?  My mom and her 2nd cousin (both Christians) have told me I have to forgive.  Of course, to them, if you don't forgive you're going to hell.  What if I don't believe in heaven and hell?  Even if I did, does God REALLY send me to hell because I can't / won't / don't forgive people who continue to disrespect me?  Does forgiveness mean I should not only be around my brother and my mother, but also that I should WANT to be around them?  Does forgiveness mean I have to pretend all is ok?  I tried that route for years.....decided it wasn't worth the angst it caused me (I don't do well pretending or being 'nice'....I'd rather be authentic).  Someone mentioned that the Dalai Lama has forgiven the Chinese.  I said yes, but he's not with them physically either....he fled Tibet to save his life.  I realize he's much more enlightened than I'll ever be, so he could probably be in a Chinese prison and still forgive them.  How does forgiveness look for me tho? Can't I 'flee' my family for emotional safety?   How does a person forgive someone that doesn't acknowledge that they even did anything, let alone apologize?  What about my mother who continues to disrespect the boundaries I verbalize to her?   Holidays are the absolute worst time of year for me.  I have hated the holidays for many, many years.  I used to get quite depressed during the holidays.  That has lessened the last couple of years.  The holidays are a time when a person is 'supposed' to be excited to be around family.  ugh....for me it's extremely stressful.  I haven't done family gatherings for holidays in years.   I just got a call last evening from my aunt who is having Thanksgiving at her house (they live in C. Spgs).  She invited me.  I've been invited over the years to different relatives' houses, however, I usually either go out of town or go to friends' houses.  Any place where I don't have to 'pretend' is best for me.  I don't know if my mother will be at my aunt's house.  I imagine she will be.  I haven't talked to her since early August.  She got mad at me because I told her I didn't want daily text messages and because I told her that I didn't want to be included on group text messages & emails with my brother.  I had told her that in the past, however, she somehow 'forgot' that.  When we hung up that day, she asked me if she could still call me.  I told her yes, but she hasn't.  That is usually how she handles things....silence, rather than having a difficult conversation.  Her birthday is coming up on Nov 2nd.  Not sure if I'll call her or not.  I may just let the day go by.  She wants me to 'forgive' so that she, then, doesn't have to deal with anything anymore.  For her, I think me forgiving means I won't bring it up, I won't have feelings about it, I won't make comments, I won't set boundaries, make waves, speak publicly, etc, etc, etc.  She would just love it if I would just pretend and be 'nice'....it would make her life so much easier and she wouldn't have to deal with any emotions.   Forgiveness is a process, in my opinion.  At this point, I doubt if I will ever 'want' to be around my brother or my mother very much.