Post #13 - Dream

Post  #13 - November 26, 2016

I've had a difficult time wanting to write lately.  Can't seem to slow my body & mind down enough to sit and write.  I do, however, want to write about a dream I had back in August.  This dream happened a few nights after I had emailed & talked to Eleanor and had re-iterated the boundaries I had set with her re: text messages & emails to me that included my brother.   I don't remember a lot about the dream, except that I was in a straight jacket, so my arms were crossed and I was unable to move.    I woke-up that way....unable to move and I couldn't move for what seemed like a few minutes.  It could've been just seconds, but the feeling of being helpless (physically restrained) was traumatic.  I started crying because I couldn't move.   I didn't get back to sleep and I was very upset that day.  The world seemed off kilter, off balance and the effect on me mentally & physically was very real and disturbing.  I  find it odd that I had that dream AFTER I had emailed Eleanor and talked to her.  I had, once again, in writing and vocally, set boundaries, but the dream came after I had done so.  As a child and as an adult (part of my adult life), I wasn't physically bound in a straight jacket, however, emotionally & psychologically I was.  The beliefs (Christian, etc) of my family (mainly Eleanor) kept me from being able to speak my beliefs, opinions, & desires.  I was in an emotional & psychological straight jacket.  Unable to express.  I still feel sick  to my stomach thinking about that dream.

Related to the above is a text message I received from Eleanor two weeks ago (Nov 12th).  It was a Saturday morning around 8:00ish and I was doing some exercises and getting ready to go to QiGong in the park.  Her text said something like this:  "Mailing partnership papers to you today to sign.  Thanks.  Hope all is well."  My parents put their farm / land into a partnership and myself and my siblings are like .01% partners.  Now, this was the first communication I've received from Eleanor since August (since calling her and re-setting boundaries).  I started laughing out loud because it cracked me up that she couldn't just pickup the phone to tell me this.  At first I thought she was disinheriting me and taking me off of the partnership.  I thought about texting my sister to ask her if she had heard from Eleanor and  did she have to sign papers.  I decided that was passive aggressive and I didn't want to be that  way, so I decided to call  her.  I called her cell phone.  No answer.  I called her home phone - no answer.  So then I sent a text reply:  "Just called you.  How's the therapy going?  What are the partnership papers regarding?"  I added the therapy  question as I told her last August that she needed therapy (as I've also told her a few times in the past).  I know she hasn't gone to get therapy....it was a dig from me.  She replied saying I should call her home phone as the cell  phone doesn't work very well on the farm (I had tried the home phone - she didn't answer).  Then she said the partnership papers were to transfer my dad's ownership to her (since he passed away in 2015).  I  didn't call back.  I figured I had tried, she could see that I had tried (caller id).  When I got the papers I signed them and mailed them back.  Haven't heard from her since.  I find it amazing that she can't / won't / is unwilling / unable / to even try to see my position on all of this.  When I called my aunt and uncle to tell them I wasn't going to be joining them for Thanksgiving, I got their voice mail.  I left a message telling them that with Eleanor and Ed both planning to be there, it wouldn't be comfortable for me.  I have a feeling that not having me there was probably a relief for them (and the rest of the family) as then they don't have to figure out what to do with me....what to say, etc.