Post #12 - November 11, 2016
The election on Tuesday still hasn't sunk in. I cannot comprehend how anyone could vote for Donald Trump. I have been crying, sick to my stomach, unable to sleep and just trying to breathe. I have a lot of fears. As a friend of mine said, maybe this is good as it has shown what has been lurking just beneath the surface for so many people. Maybe the rest of us can now see exactly how people are, what they think, their beliefs and their priorities, which will make it easier for us to know what we're dealing with. I have to admit I've had a very difficult time even wanting to take the high road. If Trump can be so belligerent, bigoted, racist, sexist, chauvinistic, etc, why the hell do I need to rise above? I know, I know....don't want to stoop to his level, even tho it seems the majority of Americans are & have. Personally, I didn't think either candidate was that great. I don't like Obamacare, I don't like the government encroaching on my personal choices, yet to vote for the cinnamon Hitler definitely wasn't going to happen. I've read all kinds of 'reasons' that Trump won, however, none of them (IMO) address the full reasons. Yes, it's a rural vs urban mindset. It's also a religious mindset, gun rights mindset and it's also people just didn't want 4 more years of Obama stuff. I get that, however, the democratic party and the republican party failed to produce candidates that were good choices. The last few elections I haven't voted for someone so much as I voted against someone. Same is true with this election. I think people voted for Trump for all kinds of different reasons and Fox news didn't help any. The media (liberal and conservative) is partly to blame for the propaganda, the false/misleading polls and predictions (for both candidates). I have alot of friends who are sexual assault (incest, rape, etc) survivors and Trump's actions and words has caused PTSD. I never thought PTSD was something that I dealt with, however, the past few months (between Trump and my mom) has shown me otherwise. I feel crazy at times trying to reconcile what happened to me (incest) and how my mom, dad, relatives etc can still support and be around my brother (invite him to Thanksgiving? really?). Same holds true for America and the people who voted Trump into office. For people to support someone who thinks it's ok to grab a woman by the pussy just reiterates what my family is 'saying' to me only on a much larger scale. I know what is true, I'm not crazy and I know all people deserve to have their bodies respected. I will stick to that until the day I die.
Another way I coped:
When I was in college, I was there to study, not have fun! I would sit for hours reading and re-reading chapters in my accounting text books. Looking back on it, I read chapters many times, because I had difficulty concentrating (hmmmmm, imagine that)! As I sat at my desk studying, I would pick at the skin around the nails on my toes, until the skin came off and they bled. I did that to all 10 toes for many years. I couldn't wear sandals or flipflops because I was so embarrassed. I wanted to stop, but just couldn't. For many people, self inflicted physical pain is a way to 'deal' (or really to not deal) with the emotional pain that is inside them. Many people cut themselves, burn themselves, drink, overeat, under eat, take drugs, all kinds of things that numb the real pain. Once I graduated from college and started working, I was able somehow to stop this self mutilation. To this day, tho, I have a high tolerance for physical pain and sometimes still pull skin / hang nails, etc until I bleed.
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