Post #26 - Fighting to stay alive

Post #26 - July 14,  2017

I have dealt with depression off and on over the years.   Sometimes it's pretty bad, sometimes it's not even a thought.  The past few years, it happens more often.  Today is one of those days.   Usually, I don't mention it to anyone,  but I decided today to write while I'm in the middle of it.  There have been a couple of times in the past couple of years, where it was so bad,  that I called a couple of people and asked them to check on  me the next morning to see if I was still among the living. Suicide has been a constant companion for many years.  It sounds strange, but it is comforting to me to know that I can end everything.  This morning was one of those mornings where nothing really seemed worth it.  It took all I had to get out of my car and start walking at Green Mtn.  Even after I started,  I almost turned around.  I knew, tho, that if I kept going I'd start to feel a little better.  I walked parts I usually run, because I just didn't have the fortitude to run.  I did eventually start slowly running.  As per usual, running helps and I start to feel better.  Running has always been a life saver for me.  Had I not discovered it in college, I'd probably be dead.  I'm positive it has saved my life numerous times.  Even after I got home today, tho, I've been crying.   I just don't know where to turn.  I have thought about selling my house and most of my crap and hitting the road.  Then, the logical side of me takes over and says "who does that at age 54?"  And then the other side of me says, "well, it may save your life and why not?"   Alot of time, when I feel like this,  I get a feeling in my stomach as if I need to vomit, although I'm not physically sick.  It's just as if something needs to come out.  I'd like to be dating someone, however, that's tough to do, it seems, when in the mid-50's.  People, including me, are so set in their ways, that it's difficult to find compromise.   Plus, I find most people don't want to (or are unable to) discuss the 'hard' things in life.  And, to be honest, trust is an issue for me.  Add all of this and a whole plethora of other things and there just doesn't seem to be a way out (or through).  The current political climate in this country has increased my depression as well.  It seems our country has regressed at least 70 years.  To me, the future isn't as bright.  As a kid and young adult, I thought life and 'things' would just get better and better.  Hasn't seemed to happen that way.  I never imagined I would be in the situation I am in and have been in for a few years.  For the past few New Year's Eve's, I think that the next year I'll make a drastic change.  So  far, I haven't had the guts or I get too depressed to make a change.  From a very young age, I have been so responsible. Growing up, I made breakfast for my parents (when I was in high school - what high schooler does that?), I never got into trouble, was valedictorian, didn't drink, didn't break the rules (of which there were many), went to church, didn't swear, didn't disobey, was polite and couldn't tell anyone of my angst.  I still feel I can't tell anyone my angst, except someone I pay to listen to me.  Since graduating from  college, I have been financially self-sufficient.  I have had zero (ZERO) help from anyone - even when I was married, my husband didn't help much.  In fact, when he left, I had huge long-distance phone bills to pay or risk hurting my credit.

...to be continued....