I read this book 3 years ago and drafted this blog post back then. At first I was going to just take the book back to the library when I realized it's written from a Christian perspective and is filled with God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, etc. However, I thought I'd give it a chance and I'm glad I did. Here's some things I gleaned from this book. I especially like that the author talks about the homes where abuse occurs.
From Chapter Four: The War Zone; Strategies for Abuse
Few abuse victims come from happy, so-called normal homes,
even if the appearance is enviable to outsiders who do not know the inner
workings of the family. Many times the
typical home where abuse occurs and is not reported is relationally distant and
empty. The variations of the pattern are
many, but the fact remains that legitimate, healthy intimacy is rare or
nonexistent in abusive homes. The
environment is a breeding ground for deep soul hunger.
Many abuse victims are prone to deny the shortcomings of
their own homes. The most obvious reason
is that whatever was typical is viewed as normal. Chances are, however, that the two factors
that are essential to a happy home were absent in the victim’s. The first factor is a sense of being enjoyed
for who one is rather than for what one does.
Many abuse victims were enjoyed for being the adultified child, but that
kind of appreciation leaves the hungry heart untouched. A second factor is a respect of one’s being
that permits the opportunity to develop uniqueness and separateness from other
members of the family.
The role confusion is further complicated by repeated
violations of the child’s boundaries and individual rights. Boundaries are appropriate lines that
rightfully separate one’s inner and outer world from the domain of others. They provide a sense of uniqueness and
independence and help a person orient who he or she is in contrast to who
others are.
So far the home of the victim has produced relational
hunger, a sense of being needed but nevertheless demeaned, while making it
difficult for the child to trust her perceptions and feelings. The atmosphere is also demanding,
conservative and rule-bound. The highest
family value is loyalty: always faithful, no matter the cost, to protect the
family from attack and shame.
The scene is set for abuse.
The child is (to some degree) empty, alone, committed to pleasing,
boundary-less, burdened, and bound to a family or a parent whose desire becomes
the bread of hope for the hungry child.
The two key words are empty
and dependent. The child is also psychologically intertwined
in the push and pull of the parent’s every offer or refusal to provide
nurturing and support.
Many factors influence personality, but the central
organizing theme in a dysfunctional family will be how to deaden the pain of
soul hunger, while remaining sufficiently alert and predisposed to act in one’s
own best interest. Soul deadness – or a
heart dulled to its own pain – and a hypervigilant, poised alertness are not
compatible partners in the dance of life.
In order to live inherent contradiction, the child must develop a split
between the two (or more) antithetical positions, thus existing as two
different people; an inner person who quietly and unobtrusively stores what is
most precious away from the sight of a dangerous world; and a public person who
adopts the manner, dress, voice, and face that others who distribute the bounty
of life expect to be displayed. If Dad
expects me to be a good student, I will perform to his desire (if possible);
the reward will be an occasional smile, or perhaps a free night to spend with
my friends.
The child is caught in a wretched dilemma. Survival means fitting in, and to fit in means
to live a life of torment. The experience of being profoundly used and
let down by someone we trusted and relied on sears the hope that relationship
can be purely enjoyed.
The effect of sensual contact (cuddling nourishes their
young souls in a different way than play or normal physical contact) on the
child who has lived much of his or her life without nourishing touch is
equivalent to watering a flower that has been left without water for days. The drooping stem straightens and the closed
bud opens; the lifeless plant brightens into the glory that it was meant to
reveal. So with the heart of the hungry
child; the warmth lifts her face, and the nourishment brings hope to her
eyes. The memories of this stage are
hard for the abuse victim to recall without an awful combination of shame and
confusion. A child isn’t as sure as an
adult when touch by another is inappropriate, but she does sense that something
is ‘weird.’ Her sense of discomfort,
however, is clouded by the thrill of being cared for. Seduction desensitizes a child over time so
that she doesn’t recognize abusive progression.
‘Why did I allow myself to trust? Why did I allow myself to want a man who
would (or did) abuse me?”
The child will not see the touch as a choice, as clearly as
an adult might, especially if she has been locked in sensual isolation for
years, hungry of soul for contact, unsure of her own right to boundaries, and
doubtful of her own intuitive judgment.
From Chapter Six: Betrayal
The betrayal has three levels: the failure of the family to nourish the child prior to the abuse, the traitorous act of the perpetrator, and the lack of protection offered by the nonoffending parent(s). The lack of appropriate relational nourishment is the necessary soil in which the weeds of abuse may flourish. A healthy environment in which children are respected and treated with sensitivity and compassion rarely produces abuse. It is impossible to use someone you love. The desire to posses or subjugate - the hunger to repay or destroy - is the ground for abuse.
A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. A third form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.
From Chapter Six: Betrayal
The betrayal has three levels: the failure of the family to nourish the child prior to the abuse, the traitorous act of the perpetrator, and the lack of protection offered by the nonoffending parent(s). The lack of appropriate relational nourishment is the necessary soil in which the weeds of abuse may flourish. A healthy environment in which children are respected and treated with sensitivity and compassion rarely produces abuse. It is impossible to use someone you love. The desire to posses or subjugate - the hunger to repay or destroy - is the ground for abuse.
A parent does not need to know about or suspect sexual abuse to betray a child. A third form of nonoffending betrayal comes as a result of the victim having no place to turn once abuse has occurred because of the parent's character weakness.